I am still working towards the US Nationals. It is less than two weeks before I am supposed to depart. I still have found no one to travel with. When I made the decision nationals would be my goal for this year, I thought I had others who would be going as well. The people I was counting on made the decision not to go leaving me either to haul my horses by myself the two thousand miles to Tulsa or finding someone else who might be going to caravan with.
I have never been good at asking others for help. I guess I see this situation as help because I'm not stepping up and searching out people who might be going. I made one attempt with people I know from this state and it wouldn't work for them. I have yet to make another attempt even though time is running out.
I do have a back up plan which involves the trainer I will be stabling with at the horse show. That plan means I would have to travel the whole first day by myself but then I would be able to follow them the next two days. While I'm not crazy about this plan either, it seems to be more comfortable than asking anyone else from here and being turned down again. I'm not sure if I'm cutting off my nose or not...........I guess time will tell.
I keep saying I'm going to call one trainer I really like from up north but so far I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I guess the truth is, I really don't want to make the trip at all. I want to BE at the nationals but I don't want to drive that far by myself in my truck. Travelling along behind someone else will not fix that.
I hate being alone. Yet I spend most of my time that way.........or at least feeling that way. Driving 2/3 of the way across this country by myself will not be just a feeling, it will be the real thing.
Even once I get there I will be alone. The trainer I will be stabled with is just a trainer. I don't really know him for his clients. There will be no security there.
There was a time when I would never have taken such a risk. Now, I wouldn't think of NOT going just because of this aloneness. I am dreading it.........but I won't let it stop me from competing with my horses.
In the meantime this dread affects the preparations for this trip and all the other stuff brewing in my head. I feel like I have lead weights on my feet my forward progress seems so slow. There is also a heaviness in my heart as I struggle with the newest issues in my life.
There is not much joy at the moment. I have to remind myself it will return. Fortunately there are brief glimpses of it when I am working with my horses. That keeps me going while I push on.