There is so much going on here I can barely find the time to sort out my thoughts.........and, of course, as go my thoughts so goes my feelings. This roller coaster ride is exhausting, yet familiar. Sometimes the familiar is just easier than taking the road less travelled. Yet I still find myself picking my way through trying to get back to that high road.
Sometimes I find myself thinking it's taking me a while to get through the insult that set this struggle off way back during the Region 4 Championships. Then I realized it's not just that episode but a series of things since then that are keeping me off balance.
Then I tried to figure out if I am being more sensitive now or if maybe things are changing making these insults more noticeable to me. Whichever, I just seem to get myself righted and something more happens leaving me reeling once again.
Through all of this, I've come to the conclusion I am just not meant to be a social person. It IS of my choosing to retreat and protect myself from those who wound me. As long as I do that I will continue to be alone. I need to either accept alone is my choice or I need to find another way to cope than pushing people away.
Yet that thought in itself makes me reel. The pain I feel when betrayed is still so much larger than life. Whether or not I will ever react like "normal" (whatever that might be) is beyond me. Cult programming still triggers physical torture along with the emotional reactions.
No part of me wants to participate in more therapy to free us from that programming. I am firmly entrenched in the belief it would take most of my life to do that. Yet I wonder if that is true, another lie planted by them or just my own fear.
It's not about courage that I avoid this fight. I have plenty of that. For me it is about time.......at my age I am so aware that my time on this earth is limited. I have much I want to do...........more than there is time for. I don't want to give anymore of that valuable time up to those old issues than I must. To me that is part of being free of them............being able to pursue my dream.............instead of continuing to focus on them and what they did.
Even though each day I battle those old messages I continue to make steps forward towards accomplishing my goal. Sometimes I have to break that goal down into much smaller objectives so I can see I am making progress and not succumb to those old messages but that's ok..........just as long as I get there.
So for now I am on a daily roller coaster ride battling the old messages and searching for ways to silence them. There are brief respites from the turmoil but so brief sometimes they're not even a relief, just another jog in the road.
There is a change going on...........but it is subtle. Where exactly it will lead me I do not know. I only know it will be true to me and not to those old messages. The uncertainty of this transitional phase is discomforting. Sometimes I must search for the belief in myself that I WILL get there. It is my only comfort......other than the horses.
I guess right now the fact that money threatens the horses is part of why this journey feels so perilous. The uncertain economy has its effects on everyone in one way or another. I must remind myself it is not personal.