I'm finding this growing lump of bitterness and cynicism growing in me. I've never really spent much time feeling these things. They've always seemed so pointless. I'd just rather not waste my time. Yet, it seems that I'm going to deal with them whether I want to or not.
The harder I struggle, the angrier I become. Putting these things aside is just not coming easy. I don't want them to rule my life. I know time spent on them can be better spent other ways..........more positive things. But the voices keep going back to being wounded for things not our fault. How do I protect myself from these kinds of things or is it even possible to do so? I just can't seem to figure it out.
Then maybe that is the problem..........always wanting to figure things out or have some kind of answer. Does it really matter what others have done that's affected me? Or does it only matter if I let it? Do I go on doing what I'm doing regardless of other's behavior? I just don't know........
For now, I'm working towards getting myself to the US Nationals. The show is in late October. I haven't shown there in 14 years and it's about time I get there again. Maybe I'm hoping focusing on this will get me through.........or maybe I'm just flipping all those naysayers off and proving my point...........they can't stop me..........only I can do that.