Sunday, September 20, 2009

Still Processing.........

I'm finding this growing lump of bitterness and cynicism growing in me. I've never really spent much time feeling these things. They've always seemed so pointless. I'd just rather not waste my time. Yet, it seems that I'm going to deal with them whether I want to or not.

The harder I struggle, the angrier I become. Putting these things aside is just not coming easy. I don't want them to rule my life. I know time spent on them can be better spent other ways..........more positive things. But the voices keep going back to being wounded for things not our fault. How do I protect myself from these kinds of things or is it even possible to do so? I just can't seem to figure it out.

Then maybe that is the problem..........always wanting to figure things out or have some kind of answer. Does it really matter what others have done that's affected me? Or does it only matter if I let it? Do I go on doing what I'm doing regardless of other's behavior? I just don't know........

For now, I'm working towards getting myself to the US Nationals. The show is in late October. I haven't shown there in 14 years and it's about time I get there again. Maybe I'm hoping focusing on this will get me through.........or maybe I'm just flipping all those naysayers off and proving my point...........they can't stop me..........only I can do that.

6 comments:

Kahless said...

Yes, dont let you become your own worst enemy.

I am so sorry that this hard period in your life is continuing. If you are still stuck and still processing going forward, would it help to talk to a counsellor to help you process?

jumpinginpuddles said...

yep they cant stop you and dont let em

Donna said...

I also find myself bitter and cynical, and I don't like being this person. I heard somewhere recently -- there is a part of you that is not wounded -- and I am holding onto that.

Kahless said...

How RU?

Colleen said...

I am sorry you are going through all of this pain. Hugs.

Lily Strange said...

I've been angry and cynical most of my life but I've tried to inject some humor into it so I don't become just this horrible individual that no-one wants to be around. I doubt I'll ever be anyone's little ray of sunshine. But I do try not to be hateful. I know that you are trying hard not to let these emotions overtake you. Seems like you've been through a really rough time lately. Sorry to hear it.