There have been a lot of things going on here lately. Between the personal issues and my annual open house for my breeding farm, it's hard to know what's causing this latest turmoil inside my head.
Obviously there IS turmoil or I wouldn't be up in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping. I've had a long week and tomorrow is going to be the longest day of them all. Yet here I am typing instead of sleeping.
So what is it that goes through my head keeping me from sleeping? It's impossible to keep my personal life separate from my business. How I interact with people affects everything........and plenty of the drama that has been going on is about "the people" in my life.
Horse people, relatives have all become thrown together in one giant boiling pot. There are no black and white answers (God, how I wish there were!) and I'm struggling finding the answers that will work for me.
I find myself wondering if I have placed my trust in someone who didn't deserve it. Torn between how much I need help and how much I want to run, I'm not finding that middle ground that usually saves me. That right path that can quiet all the voices in the head because I am safe once more.
Instead I find there are more questions than answers. The questions seem to be leading to even more questions. I'm going to have to begin writing them on lists to see if I can find some rhyme or reason to them.
In the meantime I am conflicted. To believe or not to believe, that is the biggest question of all. Have I spent a year believing someone not credible? Is my life turned upside down because the pot has been stirred that entire year? How am I going to find the truth in all of this chaos? Who can I trust? Can I even trust me? Can you see my dilemma?