I keep vacillating between wanting to flee and being angry. The anger is probably better for me but it doesn't last long. It is hard to even make sense of this for me. Despite my past I can't seem to grasp that people can be so petty.
Odd, isn't it? I can have experiences so horrendous most don't want to believe they're even possible. I have no trouble grasping that. Yet, I can't get it to sink in that this incident is not about me.
Overcoming that old programming that everything is my fault, that I don't even deserve to take up the valuable air it takes for me to breathe can hang on so tightly. I know in my head that isn't the case and sometimes I know in my heart. But the moment something unfair happens those messages clutch me by the throat and just won't let go.
The self talk it takes to change it gets muffled in the wails of the wounded children inside me. Nothing seems to comfort them. They have again lost hope.
I try to go about my daily business, not succumbing to the urge to quit. Sooner or later I hope belief in myself will return. In the meantime I must deal with these messages in my head. I know staying on top of them is as important as keeping on task towards my dream. I am exhausted...........