Thursday, September 3, 2009

Getting By.............

I keep vacillating between wanting to flee and being angry. The anger is probably better for me but it doesn't last long. It is hard to even make sense of this for me. Despite my past I can't seem to grasp that people can be so petty.

Odd, isn't it? I can have experiences so horrendous most don't want to believe they're even possible. I have no trouble grasping that. Yet, I can't get it to sink in that this incident is not about me.

Overcoming that old programming that everything is my fault, that I don't even deserve to take up the valuable air it takes for me to breathe can hang on so tightly. I know in my head that isn't the case and sometimes I know in my heart. But the moment something unfair happens those messages clutch me by the throat and just won't let go.

The self talk it takes to change it gets muffled in the wails of the wounded children inside me. Nothing seems to comfort them. They have again lost hope.

I try to go about my daily business, not succumbing to the urge to quit. Sooner or later I hope belief in myself will return. In the meantime I must deal with these messages in my head. I know staying on top of them is as important as keeping on task towards my dream. I am exhausted...........


Saving Grace said...

I have no words of wisdom...but I wanted to say that I understand these feelings well...and how hard it is. I struggle with it every day.
I hope you can find moments of peace and solace.

Donna said...

I don't know what you are going through, nobody can really imagine what is going on inside anyone else's head...but I do empathize and I hope you are continuing to fight the voices that want to hold you back. You can take a step back and not quit, give yourself some space and some time to get back to full strength. Take care of yourself.

Kahless said...

I believe in you.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Hi, RR! I haven't seen you around the blogosphere in so long, but I got your open house flyer e-mail and thought I'd stop by.

I read down several posts. Whew! It sounds like you've been through the ringer. Why does this shit happen? You sure don't deserve that nonsense! I can relate to and understand the littles being so difficult to comfort and the urge to run away. I've run away in dissociative fugues a few times myself. I'm so glad you're staying put.

Those old, negative messages are so hard to get rid of, I know. I wish I had an answer for you. All I can say now is that I agree with Kahless: I believe in you. I am sending comfort and healing vibes and big, safe hugs ((((((RR))))))