I want to thank those who took the time to comment on my last post. I was feeling pretty low (and still am to some degree I guess) and your comments helped to take some of the sting out of this situation.
Actually I was making plans for a little disappearance. I've never really thought specifically about running away before but those thoughts have sure been racing through my mind over the last twenty-four hours. I was surprised to find myself coming up with a plan that my system accepted so easily. Usually there's always some voice or another and sometimes several telling me why a plan just won't work. I'm not even sure what to think knowing there was such unanimous agreement in this kind of situation. I guess it tells me the depth of this hurt.
I've known for a while that this thing I do with horses is the one place I feel particularly vulnerable. However, I've always thought that vulnerability was controllable. The only outside sources I thought could influence it were money and the support of my family. It's awkward at best to find myself in the position that what other people hits any kind of nerve........but boy this thing sure did.
Now I find myself having to reevaluate how I protect myself without really cutting off my nose to spite my face. I know I should not let others have power over me.........and running would be just that. But figuring out how to take back my power is not coming easily. All I'm sure of at this moment is I won't be disappearing anytime soon..........although I may dream about it a time or two...........
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3 comments:
{{{{{{{{RR}}}}}}}}
I'm sorry that you have been treated so shabbily in your horse business lately. I hope you will hang in there. (I make plans to run sometimes, too.)
I make plans too about running away.
I remember in my twenties, as a student, actually packing a bag (to leave my own rented student property) and sitting on a train platform for a couple of hours just watching the trains pass by but not actually being able to get on one. I guess I realised that I couldnt run away from myself very effectively!
I associated this song with the whole incident, and when I feel like running away I listen to it and it makes me somehow feel better.
I am not a regular prayer, but I will say a small prayer for you tonight.
xx.
We did run, but we ran because of no choice and have ended up in a better place, we hope we never have to run again. But we understand the desperation of feeling trapped without totally understanding why.
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