Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hopes........Fears...........and Sugar..............

I am hoping I will sell a horse at nationals........not just any horse, but one of those I am taking. However, I think there is not much chance of that. I am not happy with her condition at the moment and I think she must look like a super star to have any chance of selling but I'm still going to try. We'll see where it goes.

The odds are I will get the opportunity to sell either of the other two horses I am taking before the filly. The only problem with that is those two horses are cornerstones in my dream..........selling either of them will be selling myself out.

This dilemma only adds to the heaviness I feel. It's no wonder I feel bogged down with the weight of my dream crashing down on me. I work to see beyond my worst fears looking for the light at the end of this tunnel, hoping there is still some chance for my dream to survive.

The events of the last few months have added to this heaviness. Not just because they have messed with my head but because they have an effect on the outcome of my dream. I'm seeing a bigger obstacle to my success than I ever imagined before. I'm not sure if this obstacle is real.........or merely perceived. That is part of the struggle.

If it is real, I'm not sure that I can hold on financially long enough to overcome it. That's part of this new weight I feel. A part of me keeps saying that I'm tough and I will make it no matter what..............another part is concerned with being a bit more practical.........cutting my losses and saving my ass before I get into something more devastating. And, of course, there are many more arguments in between.

Finding a path through all of this is exhausting. I think that exhaustion is what's getting the best of me. Having to force myself to put one foot in front of the other carries its own emotional weight. Sometimes I wish I could just pop some pill to get me moving.........but I know better.

I struggle with fixing my diet to see if that will help. OH! but I love my sugar..........that's probably my biggest problem. Getting off of sugar is something I have not been able to accomplish. Changing my diet over to only healthy foods to see if my energy level will correct hasn't been enough motivation, I guess. That pill still sounds more promising to me. I wonder why that is?

1 comment:

Lily Strange said...

I love sugar too. I really can't fight with my diet right now--too much going on. But someday.