Currently I am just trying to keep focused on nationals. If I can just get there and show my horses maybe something will break loose and I'll get some cash flow going. If not I'll have to deal with that then.
As for all these other things, I'm still trying to figure things out. While horses have been good therapy for me, these upheavals lately have really compromised that. I'm trying to find a way to get myself centered again and back on track.
The thing that keeps running through my mind is closing myself off to protect myself. Bringing my horse thing down to a point I don't need to rely on anyone else might be more manageable. Only I'm not sure that isn't giving up on my dream and a betrayal of myself.
The dream started out wanting an Arabian horse. Over the years it has grown and changed. Now it is a much bigger scale and the scale really feels right to me. It is the backlash I have gotten that has affected me.
Obviously I cannot take care of all of these horses by myself. To have help is going to take money. Money is something I do not have. If I can't generate enough to accomplish this something will have to give.
I still haven't figured out what that something will be. Will it be my dream? Or will it be me? Can I still get "there" if I continue on this roller coaster ride? Or will the cost be too great? More questions without answers. Only time will tell.........