While I'm sailing along here trying to get all the last minute stuff done for this trip, I find myself too busy to think about much else. Considering all the things that I've been tortured with lately this is a relief.
I am still worrying about making this trip. I thought I had things figured out but things have changed. The trainer I am going to meet up with is planning on driving straight through. That would be 1700 miles without stopping to sleep. I'm not sure my body can handle that. I may have to find a place to lay over and finish the trip by myself.
I am still hoping someone will magically appear to ride along with me. However, there doesn't seem to be much chance of that. The prospect of doing this alone re enforces the aloneness I feel in the world. "If I was like normal people, I'd have a friend to ride with me" is a pretty strong message.
I was reading a book on DID last night. In it there was mention of the aloneness that those with DID all seem to share. There are times knowing that I'm at least not alone in something would be comforting but right now...........not so much.
I find myself running over in my head what keeps me isolated. The thing that seems to resonate most is that I really don't know how to do it any other way. I am just not comfortable with girl talk, shopping or the like. All of those things that seem to bond women to each other just are not important to me. I am much more familiar with trying to figure out how to survive.
The way that "girl friends" hurt each other over trivial things doesn't look appealing to me much either. Betrayal is betrayal in my book and I either can't or won't give that up. What I want in a relationship is far more intimate than that. I guess I would rather have nothing than settle for less than what I really want......