Thursday, October 8, 2009


Wow, I'm on a blogging roll here. Four posts written in one morning. I thought I'd take advantage of the "flow from my tired brain" while it was here. Once I shift gears and get back to getting ready for my trip, this may all disappear. I didn't want to take any chances and not post what's going on with me.

I am trying to clean up a lot of my messes here before I go. I hate coming home to a house piled in undone chores. Despite cleaning up my own messes, I am sure to come home to plenty of chaos left by Lindsay and Dave while I am gone.

That worries me............not the stuff in the house as much as what might be left undone with my horses. Food and water are essential to their survival but I don't trust Lindsay nor Dave to be diligent. They aren't when I'm here and I have seen evidence that they aren't when I am away. I wish I could count on someone checking up on them. The length of time I will be gone could be critical to a horse not getting water.

Their care is on again off again despite my requests for more diligence. It's hard for me to comprehend this acceptance of mediocrity by my husband and my daughter. I suppose I could chalk Lindsay's up to her brain damage but I am not an enabler. My pushing her past that barrier supplies by her doctors is why she functions as well as she does. I will not stop pushing as long as it gives her a better quality of life.

I guess the same is probably true for Dave. He is his own worst enemy. Like his mother, he can wallow in the horses being too much work, even though he would probably die being a couch potato. The only exercise he does is horse related so I continue to push.

The underlying message here is my dream is dependant upon their help. They say they are committed to helping but that commitment is not consistent. It's hard to leave knowing that's the case.

It's equally hard to continue knowing I am counting on them. I find myself struggling with giving up because of my frustration over the lack of trust I have in either of them. Some days I think I would be better off to sell all of the horses and leave so I can start over somewhere else. Lately those thoughts are getting stronger and stronger.


Donna said...

I have the urge to run away and start over all the time. Feeling like you have to do everything yourself in order to trust it is being done right (or at all) is a terrible burden. I wish I could help you somehow.

Lily Strange said...

How long are you going to be gone? I'm sorry things have gotten this bad.

Rising Rainbow said...

Thanks, Donna, it's helpful to know someone understands,

Lily, I will be gone about 16 days maybe a couple longer. I am looking forward to being gone but sure not the actual driving part.