Sunday, June 7, 2009

Somtimes It's Confusing.........

One of those confusing things about being a multiple comes with having different parts on opposing sides of the spectrum when it comes to their emotions. With as much "blending" as has been accomplished in my system, I still have parts that are totally seperate. I know it's confusing for me when I stumble across these inconsistencies. I would guess it is even more confusing for those who are around me.

Currently I'm caught in one of those times. I have a part who is exstatic about her life and another part who is deeply depressed. For the most part I haven't really been all that aware of either of these parts lately. I've been so busy just trying to get through each day that I guess I wasn't paying attention.

Today, that all changed. When those thoughts "If I only had a gun, I'd blow my head off!" resounded through my brain as I was pulling weeds a silence fell over my entire system. We don't take those kind of thoughts lightly anymore. But obviously we haven't been listening to someone, somewhere if my over grown gardens could trigger such desperate thoughts.

Even if it has been many years since anyone was THAT serious about ending it all, as a system we are still very much on guard about such thoughts. So much so that we just don't seem to get to such an extreme, we can get things back on track before anything gets so scary so the intensity of this thought today really caught us off guard.

Not that life hasn't been full of lots of ups and probably many more downs lately. With my husband being out of work, money is tight and our relationship is more strained than usual. He has his own depression to deal with at the moment which I am sure is affecting mine.

I can't say I don't understand what this depression is about. It is obvious to me. My life long dream is in dire jeopardy due to our current financial situation. The fact that I am just on the brink of really "making a name for myself" makes it all the more upsetting. I don't know if my dream is going to survive or not, I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

I knew I was under a lot of stress but I was shocked to hear those words in my head. I don't know how I'm going to handle them for sure but it's obvious I'm going to have to do something different than I have been. I can't afford to be making any costly mistakes.

14 comments:

Ethereal Highway said...

I am shocked by some of the words I hear in my head, too. And this whole post resonates with me as I had an experience Sunday that was similar in some ways. I felt the crying place going off inside and I couldn't figure out why. The 'facts' told me everything was fine, but...

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Well, I must say that I was shocked by this post. Didn't expect it. This is exactly what's happening with me now. And down to the pulling the weeds detail too. I don't have a good answer for this. I say, "if only I work harder and pay more attention." But I'm not sure it's just a matter of effort. I really don't know. Paul.

Kahless said...

{{{{MiKael}}}}

I hope you figure out the best way forward.

Artemis said...

I have dissociative disorder and it is confusing for me and my loved ones.

Peace and Blessings

Colleen said...

I am sorry you are going through this. Hugs and prayers.

Val said...

Wow, haven't surfed by in a long time - my sympathies for your current ongoing crisis...
Your post resonates w/me as well - no voices in my head advocating self-destruction, but strong conflicting feelings as summer breaks over us like a wave.

"DJ" said...

Sunday was a full moon and some people react to that. I know I do! Keep communicating and working through it. Remember, this too shall pass :)

Hugs & prayers,
DJ

Lily Strange said...

One can't ever take suicide thoughts lightly, even if one is a rapid cycling bipolar lunatic like myself. Usually I know when I'm just thinking that it would be easier to off myself and I'm tired of living but wouldn't actually do it and when I'm seriously considering it. But sometimes the line is thin.
I really hope that something good comes your way. I hope that doesn't sound trite because I really do.

Frazzled Farm Wife said...

One day at time is the best anybody can do in the situation! Sometimes one minute or one hour at a time!!!! The future is still wide open for you....just have to remember that too.

Will be praying for you!

Kim said...

You're in my thoughts as you work on this.

Donna said...

I'm sorry you are searching for a way out of your confusion. You will find a way, I believe in you.

jumpinginpuddles said...

the hardest part is not knowing which part you need to get some external hjelp with and when to know its serious enough to get it

jumpinginpuddles said...

i sent a comment here have you not got it?

Casey said...

RR...feeling a little worried about you. Can you let us know you are ok?

Laurie