One of those confusing things about being a multiple comes with having different parts on opposing sides of the spectrum when it comes to their emotions. With as much "blending" as has been accomplished in my system, I still have parts that are totally seperate. I know it's confusing for me when I stumble across these inconsistencies. I would guess it is even more confusing for those who are around me.
Currently I'm caught in one of those times. I have a part who is exstatic about her life and another part who is deeply depressed. For the most part I haven't really been all that aware of either of these parts lately. I've been so busy just trying to get through each day that I guess I wasn't paying attention.
Today, that all changed. When those thoughts "If I only had a gun, I'd blow my head off!" resounded through my brain as I was pulling weeds a silence fell over my entire system. We don't take those kind of thoughts lightly anymore. But obviously we haven't been listening to someone, somewhere if my over grown gardens could trigger such desperate thoughts.
Even if it has been many years since anyone was THAT serious about ending it all, as a system we are still very much on guard about such thoughts. So much so that we just don't seem to get to such an extreme, we can get things back on track before anything gets so scary so the intensity of this thought today really caught us off guard.
Not that life hasn't been full of lots of ups and probably many more downs lately. With my husband being out of work, money is tight and our relationship is more strained than usual. He has his own depression to deal with at the moment which I am sure is affecting mine.
I can't say I don't understand what this depression is about. It is obvious to me. My life long dream is in dire jeopardy due to our current financial situation. The fact that I am just on the brink of really "making a name for myself" makes it all the more upsetting. I don't know if my dream is going to survive or not, I'm trying to take it one day at a time.
I knew I was under a lot of stress but I was shocked to hear those words in my head. I don't know how I'm going to handle them for sure but it's obvious I'm going to have to do something different than I have been. I can't afford to be making any costly mistakes.