Monday, June 29, 2009

Checking In

I apologize for my silence. I so appreciate the support system that I have here, I don't want to put anyone off by the distance between my posts. Yet, I am struggling to get through the each day. Posting has become the last thing on my mind........although those I care about here are always in the forefront. I wonder how everyone is doing and imagine conversations I would have with each as I go through some of the mindless parts of dealing with the horses. Being able to let my mind wander to those connections actually helps to keep me on track as the urge to bale on this dream and give up on myself grabs at me.

I am beyond tired........both physically and mentally. It seems that each day is a struggle to put one foot in front of the other. Keeping myself moving through the physicality of this work I do is draining in itself. Once I got behind on my sleep (which I did quite badly at the Region 4 Championships) the prospect of catching up seems impossible. My age seems to weigh heavily around my neck as I try to catch up on my much needed rest while still keeping my life in forward movement.

That chapter (Region 4) in my plan is past and it's time to move onto the next, searching for some way to make this all work. I must say that as I draw nearer to realizing my dream, the climb seems to get all the more difficult. I never imagined a struggle such as this. One one hand things are beginning to fall into place. On the other the financial burden still hangs like dead weight. Which one will win still in question.

I try not to look at the big picture of the one hand while focusing on it on the other hand. One is filled with hope and promise while the other leads to the blackness of the abyss. For now I continue to walk this tight rope hoping that the pieces will fall into place and the puzzle will finally be whole.

Believing in myself has become easy.........despite how this post sounds. It is believing that "life" will reward my effort that seems impossible. Trusting that something will actually go "right" for me.........now that is the real test.

In the meantime I rely on the thoughts and prayers of support I have found here to get me through. Blind faith, alone, can get pretty thin sometimes. It's nice to have this support system to fall back on.........a constant reminder I am not alone........even though sometimes it feels like I am.

4 comments:

Lily Strange said...

Best wishes from me. I wish I had something helpful to say!

Kahless said...

I do think of you and wonder how you are doing.

jumpinginpuddles said...

as always standing beside you

Donna said...

I think of you often, as I struggle through each day as well. We are all stronger than we think but sometimes it would be nice to not always be tested.