Some days I sail along pretty well thinking I'm "recovered" from all the things that happened to me as a child.......and, for that matter, my early adulthood. Then a day like yesterday hits me and I feel crippled instead.
Sometimes I feel like a fraud posting on this blog about the "hope" for survivors when I can't even seem to get my own relationships worked out. Then the pendulum swings back the other way and I think it's not really me at all that's the problem in those things. Finding some kind of balance just isn't easy. I don't want to be dodging something I can fix but I don't want to be abandoning those in my life who have not travelled at the same rate of speed in recovering either.
I have changed dramatically from who I was as a child and young adult. Those who knew me then would probably not recognize me now. Rarely is there any sign of that "victim" I was raised to be. I can stand up for myself and seek what I want no matter how tough the going gets.
I do prefer to have help with some things I am uncomfortable doing but I see that as growth not staying stuck. I can and will do what it takes to get where I want to go. Of course, that means staying within the boundaries I find appropriate and those are a far cry from where I started off before therapy.
Those in my personal relationships have not made these kinds of changes however. For whatever reasons, my husband and children have come along kicking and screaming each step of the way. Personal growth has not been their priority even though each claims the contrary.
I find myself wondering if I am kidding myself trying to make these relationships work and really.........maybe that's not it. Maybe what I'm wanting here is a real intimate relationship. One where the parties are open and honest with each other instead of playing games trying to get needs met. What ever, I am spinning my wheels with this bunch. While they may not be happy the way that they are, they're not likely to be changing anytime soon.
So in the meantime what does that mean for me. Am I selling myself short settling for less..........or am I being loyal to those who've been on this ride from the start? It's a difficult question and I'm not sure I'm going to have the answer anytime soon.