Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Process Begins............

I have begun the process of going through that box that turned out to be a drawer in a file cabinet. There are a least a dozen books in various sizes, a bunch of clippings, some literature and even newsletters for an organization for survivors of Satanic ritual abuse.

As I begin rummaging through all of this stuff, it seems a bit overwhelming. I wasn't even quite sure where to start. I settled on putting things in chronological order. That's pretty much were I left off. Having made the decision of how to proceed........I stopped cold in my tracks.

I have a few things rolling around in my head suggesting just why I might be doing this but I'm not going to let it stop me. I have decided that some of the information I thought was real those many years ago is in actuality nothing more than cult tricks.

I'm pretty sure that this process is going to expose more of those things that I don't want to know. I am committed to getting through this so I've started up again.

Putting the "stuff" into order by age has turned out to be a bit difficult since some things I had not dated. Luckily, there's enough marked to figure out the rest, or at least get me close. The other thing that will help is I had requested a re-cap of my treatment file from my therapist. It will help me with much of this.......although not all.

Mostly I've just been trying to figure out what goes where in the sequence. I have read an entry or two in my very first journal and found that while I have been "big" on saying what I feel, I've been not so big at saying what might have triggered these feelings in the first place.

I was hoping that my journal entries would be "self explanatory." Now I'm finding that may not be the case. However, from what I can tell that seems to apply mostly to the first part of my therapy. It looks like I got more detailed as the old memories began to surface.

I guess my point is I was hoping I could just skim through my journals like notes and recreate this process fairly easily. Now it's pretty clear I'm going to have to read through every passage if I ever hope to match the poems and pictures up with the feelings. Some will be self explanatory............others...........not so much.

This poem, Old Poetry,
is a good example. I can easily see what it is about but what triggered me writing it........that would only be a guess at this point. I'm not sure if it has to do with people in general or if my husband did something specific......there could be lots of scenarios that would trigger this response.....but it clearly speaks to being multiple and having littles.

While I'm getting this all figured out, I'm going to post miscellaneous things along the way that "strike" me as the thing to post. Who knows what will decide that but just like this you can bet there will be some driving force behind it whether I understand it or not....... just like in this poem.

As I mentioned in that post, it probably had to do with the subject matter of being "real." Since I've already done a couple of posts on the subject Being Real....What Does That Mean? And So It Goes.................... I guess it makes sense that I would gravitate towards this poem. However, what I didn't mention in that post is I didn't go searching for this poem. It seemed to find me.

Other things that have seemed to find me are things that seem to support those "truths" I don't want to face. I have an entire filing drawer FULL of stuff and the dozen or so specific things I have "seen" just seem to "fit" into my mindset right now. Funny how that happens.


jumpinginpuddles said...

after these bushfire threats are over we will read these blogs more thoroughly but right now im afraid we are pre occupied as it looks like another town lost its battle tonight

Val said...

Thanks for your thoughtful comment on my blog... I will be back to read more of yours; certainly can relate to a lot of this!

Anonymous said...

You have now realized that some of things you thought were right were cult tricks, so part of you doesn't want to write because of that?
I wouldn't worry about it. It will still be beneficial just to hear what there is to hear from a survivor's standpoint and it may benefit countless multiples, other survivors, therapists, ministers, and deprogrammers. You don't have to be perfect to do this, just courageous.

Rising Rainbow said...

JIP, I sure hope that you and your family stay safe through the bushfires. It's scary just thinking you are dealing with this. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you.

Val, Thanks for stopping by. Sorry to hear you can relate to this though. I wish there wasn't a need for blogs like this.....unfortunately there is, so I'll keep posting.

Anonymous, No, I'm not considering not writing because some of what I remember I now think is cult tricks. If anything it just makes it more clear how important it is to write AND to clear the air.

I don't know if I actually know enough inside me to put the pieces together to discredit those tricks or not, but I have found information internally before that did just that.

It will be interesting to know how it all turns out. In the meantime I'm going to trust my gut and believe that there were tricks involved in some things that are particularly disturbing to me.

I no longer need ALL the answers like I used to. But it would be nice to expose as much of their treachery as possible. That is my goal.