I have begun the process of going through that box that turned out to be a drawer in a file cabinet. There are a least a dozen books in various sizes, a bunch of clippings, some literature and even newsletters for an organization for survivors of Satanic ritual abuse.
As I begin rummaging through all of this stuff, it seems a bit overwhelming. I wasn't even quite sure where to start. I settled on putting things in chronological order. That's pretty much were I left off. Having made the decision of how to proceed........I stopped cold in my tracks.
I have a few things rolling around in my head suggesting just why I might be doing this but I'm not going to let it stop me. I have decided that some of the information I thought was real those many years ago is in actuality nothing more than cult tricks.
I'm pretty sure that this process is going to expose more of those things that I don't want to know. I am committed to getting through this so I've started up again.
Putting the "stuff" into order by age has turned out to be a bit difficult since some things I had not dated. Luckily, there's enough marked to figure out the rest, or at least get me close. The other thing that will help is I had requested a re-cap of my treatment file from my therapist. It will help me with much of this.......although not all.
Mostly I've just been trying to figure out what goes where in the sequence. I have read an entry or two in my very first journal and found that while I have been "big" on saying what I feel, I've been not so big at saying what might have triggered these feelings in the first place.
I was hoping that my journal entries would be "self explanatory." Now I'm finding that may not be the case. However, from what I can tell that seems to apply mostly to the first part of my therapy. It looks like I got more detailed as the old memories began to surface.
I guess my point is I was hoping I could just skim through my journals like notes and recreate this process fairly easily. Now it's pretty clear I'm going to have to read through every passage if I ever hope to match the poems and pictures up with the feelings. Some will be self explanatory............others...........not so much.
This poem, Old Poetry,
is a good example. I can easily see what it is about but what triggered me writing it........that would only be a guess at this point. I'm not sure if it has to do with people in general or if my husband did something specific......there could be lots of scenarios that would trigger this response.....but it clearly speaks to being multiple and having littles.
While I'm getting this all figured out, I'm going to post miscellaneous things along the way that "strike" me as the thing to post. Who knows what will decide that but just like this you can bet there will be some driving force behind it whether I understand it or not....... just like in this poem.
As I mentioned in that post, it probably had to do with the subject matter of being "real." Since I've already done a couple of posts on the subject Being Real....What Does That Mean? And So It Goes.................... I guess it makes sense that I would gravitate towards this poem. However, what I didn't mention in that post is I didn't go searching for this poem. It seemed to find me.
Other things that have seemed to find me are things that seem to support those "truths" I don't want to face. I have an entire filing drawer FULL of stuff and the dozen or so specific things I have "seen" just seem to "fit" into my mindset right now. Funny how that happens.