Thursday, January 29, 2009

And So It Goes....................

When I posted Being Real....What Does That Mean? I felt like I had more to say on the subject but it just didn't seem to come. So I decided to post what I had written all except for one paragraph that just wasn't fitting for me figuring if I thought about it long enough the rest would come............and as Linda Ellerbee used to say, "And so it goes....."

For me being real means saying what I believe, treating people in a manner I think appropriate and striving to do better each day. Sometimes I do ask others for their perspective but only as a sounding board to find my way to what is right morally, ethically and for me.

While difficult in the beginning I have found staying true to myself has become much easier to maintain than the old ways of trying to achieve happiness by keeping others happy . It really is amazing how much energy gets used up trying to create happiness for others instead of doing the same for oneself. As difficult as it was trying to figure out who I was and what I needed, it really was easier than trying to meet the needs of others.

I've found that this method of being real has developed much stronger and healthier bonds in my relationships. Those around me know they can count on me to be honest, even when it's tough. They in turn feel more comfortable being honest with me. The relationships grow based on mutual trust. They also become relationships worth fighting for.

While people might get mad at me sometimes because of my honesty, it still usually works out better in the long run. I found a long time ago that that short term fix rarely works. The one geared towards how things will work out in the end is much more efficient and rewarding.

The other thing important about being real is it gives people the opportunity to do things differently. Folks can't fix their annoying or hurtful behavior if they don't even know there's a problem in the first place. They can't apologize for something that's hurt you if they don't know you were hurt.

Granted many of our original friends and family may not function well under or even appreciate these "new" rules. My feeling about this has been if the relationship was important, finding a way to make it better would be important too. For me that was a measure of whether a relationship was worth holding onto or not. If what was important to those people was maintaining the status quo whether it hurt me or not, then I had a pretty clear answer of my importance to them.

For me the measure of a friend is based on what that friend stands for under duress. Anyone can do the easy thing. It is the difficult thing that shows the true character of a person.

Being real definitely separated the wheat from the chafe in the relationship department. My siblings, step father and mother pretty much were all chafe. A couple of unexpected friends turned out to be wheat and since that time I've found others to add to the classification of wheat.

I don't miss those people I left behind. I miss what I never had in the first place. There is a distinctive difference between the two. Being able to understand this has been healing.

I don't get tempted to "return" to that family of origin because there is really no family there. I can work on building what I need in a support system to make up for the family I never had. My inner child (actually children in my case) feels nurtured for the first time in her life because she is protected from the harm of that dysfunctional family. In turn she feels safe enough to be real in all the ways that count....... meaning she now feels free to be herself.


dinkleberries said...

Again, thank you! Years ago, I read a book, 'Safe People' which as I recall, you've basically reiterated in a very concise manner. I remember deciding then that to the best of my ability I would be a safe person. And honesty is a very big part of that. An old proverb that contends that 'Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.'
Over the years, I found that there are few folks that are willing to either speak the truth, and/or hear the truth. One rut that I readily tend to slip into, is that of being a victim. So I value anyone that is willing to remind me that that rut is not an effective life path.
. . . also have a tendency to go off on rabbit trails.
Anyways, thank you for your perspective, helps clarify my blurry vision. My dad was a bit of a know-it-all and he raised a pack of know-it-alls, the only thing evidently the we don't know is when we are wrong. lol
So I guess some time in the near future I will be composing a very long email that will address many of the points that you brought up in this post.
You said, "I don't miss those people I left behind. I miss what I never had in the first place." I am far enough down the path to recognize and appreciate the truth in that statement.
Also, thought I'd mention how much my daughter adores you, your blogs, and most of all your Arabians!! Blessings to you and yours!!

little wanderer said...

This is so true, I have moved on since I became true to myself I feel so much more at peace with myself too x

Enola said...

I think being real is a great trait to have. I'm glad you found the ability to be real with yourself and with others.

Kahless said...

My mind is blank so I will just say hi.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I'm glad you're feeling better physically and you're sharing these wise posts. What you say about being real is very balanced, insightful and...real! I love the way you write and I'm grateful that you offer it up to us. Thanks.

Kahless said...

Did you see my email?

jumpinginpuddles said...

dear Rising Rainbows,

I have written a blog i was hoping you would read it is in response to your apology.

From amelia

Robynn's Ravings said...

I read the Safe People book, too. A wonderful resource. It made me do an inventory and quit throwing myself in front of the bus.

"I don't miss those people I left behind. I miss what I never had in the first place." Amen, and AMEN. The only one I miss immensely is my sister. She committed suicide at 18. Her life was a great loss and her death was completely preventable if she had not been invisible.

Rising Rainbow said...

dinkleberries, funny how always being right goes hand in hand with abuse.

little wanderer, I think it's easier to be at peace with ourselves when we don't allow those others to take pot shots at us all the time, don't you?

enola, so am I. Being able to be real was so freeing. It's hard to imagine why it took me so long.

kahless, Hi back atcha!

Marj, thanks for the compliment. It helps keep me motivated knowing I'm appreciated.

Kahless, by this time, there's another email with a pic. I have seen it but haven't answered it yet.....but was pleased you thought of me.

JIP, sorry I'm slow on response here. I did see your post. I think my apology was probably overdue.

Fobynn's Ravings, I'm glad that book was helpful to you. Not throwing ourselves in front of the bus for others crap is a pretty big deal.

Sorry to hear about your sister. How very unfortunate. Being invisible is definitely a horrible feeling.