I've always had problems with people. I still have problems with some of them. But my life before my therapy was when things were the worst. I was so dissociated from my feelings I wore a mask to get through life.
At that time I was proud of the fact that people couldn't tell what I was thinking or feeling. It was like a badge of honor. I thought it was a good thing. I didn't realize it was part of my problem. That mask kept me isolated, I'm pretty sure.
As I worked through the issues of my molestation by my older brother, the feelings about that loneliness and isolation began to emerge. Along with them came some anger over people being so quick to judge and not seeing me for who I really am.
Journal Entry Oct 23, 1985
Being different, probably the most difficult thing to face of all. Always feelings different when all I wanted was to be the same. Why do we grow up preoccupied with sameness (better known as normal as some 12 step meetings)? Everyone always treated me as if I were different. How was I different" I had the same hopes and drams. Why the labels?
I'm tired of people "reading me like a book" from the way I look, my posture. I'm tired of people reading into my silence they're thoughts about what I am feeling. I'm tired of being judged because on the outside I don't react like everyone else. I'm tired of feeling like I need to make excuses because of these differences. So what if I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. That doesn't mean I don't have one. I bleed like everyone else..........maybe I bleed more!
I've never had anyone decide by looking at me, "Gee, I'd like to be her friend!" But I've had a number of people (after I made the attempt to be friends) tell me "I thought you were such a snob" or "so rigid." Once a good friend of mine was told "Why do you bother with her? She's such a pathetic creature!"
I'm sick to death of people's judgements. I DO have feelings too! And I'm tired of being treated like I don't. I'm NOT a pathetic creature and I'm not hard and uncaring!
Just because I had a tragic past doesn't make me less than human! It could have.........but I made choices! I decided to live my life being aware of others and not to hurt the way that I had been hurt.
If I am different, that is the basis of my difference. I respect the rights and feelings of others and I try firmly not to judge. If you condemn me for that, I'm sorry for you!"
The reason this particular journal entry struck me now is I seem to be having some of the same issues with people. My feelings about me have changed but I still find so many people jump to conclusions and judge others, including me, based on their assumptions. In that process they end up treating others unfairly.
While I no longer take those people's judgements seriously, it doesn't mean that they don't get in the way. I don't kick myself because they don't understand me. And I don't try to change to suit them either. I'm pretty comfortable with being true to me.
This human tendency to assume can make things tough. I find some issues surrounding my business are affected by that judgement of others. While that just makes one more obstacle I have to deal with to reach my goals, it still doesn't stop me. It just makes me sad that people can't be kinder to people and that some people I know have no idea who I really am as a person, not because of my behavior, but because of theirs.