I'm a talker. I can talk for hours on end about what goes on if my head if there is some one there who is interested. My family made fun of me for that when I was a kid but I've learned over the years it's not necessarily a bad thing.
For me it's the way that I process. Just thinking things over in my head doesn't get me nearly as far as bouncing ideas off of someone. Getting input, other ideas on ways to look at things are most helpful to me. Without them I get stuck and seem to spin around going nowhere, expending all kinds of energy but accomplishing nothing useful. Talking helps me alleviate that.
Back when I was in therapy I had a couple of friends I would speak every night with. Then when the group got split up I no longer had their support. They were lost in their issues. I was lost in mine. It was no longer productive so it ended. I still see them occasionally but things just aren't like they were. I miss that bond that was there.
Since then I really haven't replaced those connections with new ones. For some reason in the horse business I just don't really think I fit into their social structure. It's been OK to use my expertise and skills but no one has particularly felt the urge to be my friend on that level of intimacy there was with people in group. I miss that.
I've resigned myself to the fact that it's probably not going to happen. As close as it's probably going to come is the new relationship with Richard. While we'll never get into much but surface stuff........except for our passion about horses, at least we have that.
That's more than has been there for years and I must say that right now stuck at home healing, I'm missing it. It's a lot more fun sharing my passion for horses with someone of equal passion than going it alone.
But still I find myself wondering what is it about me that I can't get close to people? Sometimes I think it's my talking that drives them away. Other times I think it wouldn't matter, talking or not. Whatever it is, as I sit here at the computer, I'm wishing I had someone to talk with....and I don't.