Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I'm a talker. I can talk for hours on end about what goes on if my head if there is some one there who is interested. My family made fun of me for that when I was a kid but I've learned over the years it's not necessarily a bad thing.

For me it's the way that I process. Just thinking things over in my head doesn't get me nearly as far as bouncing ideas off of someone. Getting input, other ideas on ways to look at things are most helpful to me. Without them I get stuck and seem to spin around going nowhere, expending all kinds of energy but accomplishing nothing useful. Talking helps me alleviate that.

Back when I was in therapy I had a couple of friends I would speak every night with. Then when the group got split up I no longer had their support. They were lost in their issues. I was lost in mine. It was no longer productive so it ended. I still see them occasionally but things just aren't like they were. I miss that bond that was there.

Since then I really haven't replaced those connections with new ones. For some reason in the horse business I just don't really think I fit into their social structure. It's been OK to use my expertise and skills but no one has particularly felt the urge to be my friend on that level of intimacy there was with people in group. I miss that.

I've resigned myself to the fact that it's probably not going to happen. As close as it's probably going to come is the new relationship with Richard. While we'll never get into much but surface stuff........except for our passion about horses, at least we have that.

That's more than has been there for years and I must say that right now stuck at home healing, I'm missing it. It's a lot more fun sharing my passion for horses with someone of equal passion than going it alone.

But still I find myself wondering what is it about me that I can't get close to people? Sometimes I think it's my talking that drives them away. Other times I think it wouldn't matter, talking or not. Whatever it is, as I sit here at the computer, I'm wishing I had someone to talk with....and I don't.


Donna said...

I'm sorry you feel alone. I've gone through stretches where I felt like I had noone to talk to and those were some of the lowest points of my life. I've found that the people I am close to ebb and flow through my life, sometimes I'm very close to them and sometimes they are missing in action. I hope that you can find just one person that you can count on.

Rising Rainbow said...

Donna, I am with on people ebbing and flowing. It's not that I'm having a terrible time right now, I'm just not happy not getting to ride or work with my horses. Someone to commiserate with would be good.

Kahless said...

I was thinking about a similar topic last night. I'll say it here but I dont think on my own blog. I really really struggle to get close with people.

In part I think I have some intimacy issues.

Oh well, I ended up thinking.

I am sorry that you havent anyone at the mo.

Battle Weary said...

I think the not being able to get close to someone is a "DID thing"... or maybe it's a "survivor thing", with DID being an extra nuance we have. I think that for me it has to do with it not being safe to get close to anyone before...now I don't know how, I never learned. There ARE people I have gotten close too, but they are "online friends"... I am fortunate that I have been able to meet them in "real life" and we now spend time together on a regular basis, not often enough, but regularly. What is hard for me is that while they live in the same state as me, it is a big state, so it is a fairly major production to see one of them, and takes a quite a bit of planning to see the other. Meaning, I can't just call up and say "let's have lunch". It's hard, and I don't have a solution. I too would like to have someone I can just hang-out with and commiserate or whatever...but don't know how to find that.

Ethereal Highway said...

I don't have any RL friends, either. Not even one. I routinely go for weeks at a time without speaking to anyone except for those in my house and a few mumbled words to bank tellers or grocery checkers.

jumpinginpuddles said...

we also talk a lot but let no one in

Anonymous said...

It's interesting to me that I seem to have few friends. My life is so busy with kids, grandkids, animals and life in general, that I really don't have time and energy for much else. I've been criticized for it, but it just doesn't seem to be a priority in my life. I like people, but I like to talk, and I tend to dominate the conversation with what I'm interested in, and I think they get bored. I have a friend that likes to talk more than listen, but after I spend an hour listening but can hardly get a word in edgewise I seriously become bored also. So while I am getting a taste of my own medicine, it doesn't seem to change my proclivity. Very sad. However, I don't lose much sleep over it.

Have you thought of getting an intern? I personally would love to be your shadow and absorb what you know about horses and life in general. But someone'd have to tape my mouth shut so I could listen more than talk. =)