I know that while I was doing therapy I changed a lot of my perspectives. With that changed a lot of other things like definitions for words like "love." Now, I find myself wondering if those new changes aren't just as big a problem as the old perceptions that I had.
I had really hoped by changing my behavior I would be a good example for my children and they would change theirs. I know I've posted before that at least for my older children that has not been the case. They still carry their old baggage around proudly like it's some kind of badge of honor or something.
Right now, while I'm hurting from this surgery, it would have been really nice to have family who did more than just lip service to caring about one another. I find myself wondering how I could have worked so hard to change only to have no one really notice. As far as they are concerned I am still the same old person...........and yet that person is so long gone I hardly remember what she was like.
It is hurtful that my daughter didn't bother to call to see if I was ok. She did ask about me on Saturday but only because she answered the phone when my husband called. If that hadn't happened she wouldn't have asked at all. I can't help but find myself wondering what I did to deserve this.........even though I know somewhere it really isn't about me.........it still feels like it is.
I can't figure out how I ended up with such a self centered child. Even at my worst, I took much better care of my family than this. All of those commercials about children learning what they live don't seem to fit my life at all. When my children were growing up, I never missed a birthday or a holiday and I was always there when they were sick. I was also there for my mother despite all the ugliness in which I was raised. I treated her with dignity and respect because I thought that's the way parents deserved to be treated. Family has always been really important to me............I walked away from my family to protect my children. Now I don't even seem to have my children. Somehow that's not how I expected this to be. It's really odd how things turned out.............
Note: My mind was really bouncing all over the place when I wrote this post. I know it's a bit disjointed by thought I'd post it anyway. I'm pretty sure somewhere in there it says alot about what's going on with me about now.