Of course, I repeated that behavior over and over. One little thing here and another there seemed so harmless that controlling behavior was like a drug. It kept me believing I had power over my life in ways I had no power at all. It was it's own little addiction........just as deadly as alcoholism or drug abuse.
It did the same terrible damage to my inner child........beating her up beyond recognition, making her the least important person in my life when it came to feelings. Such a price I put on her for the "happiness" of others. How could I have expected it to work out any differently.
Equally disturbing is the fact none of it ever made any of those others happy either. It was all just an illusion.........an illusion that kept me trapped in a cage of my own making.
Yet it's hard not to get caught in that trap again. It's just so much easier to think that withholding information or camouflaging it will be useful. Yet in the end, when all is said and done, those relationships aren't healthy and they can only cause problems. That's the only real truth I have found in all of this.
Where does that lead me? Well, I pretty much say what I think. Sure I censor some things...........I have parts of me that are terrible potty mouths..........and others that are really hot heads........so thinking things over and deciding the best way to say something so that all of my parts are represented instead of just the angry ones is important to me.
I know that some of you are probably groaning at this information........
thinking what a mess your life would be if you just spoke the truth. But let me say that first off, every thing needs a little balance.
There are those things that are just better left unsaid BUT what's important isn't about the words but what is behind them. For example calling my husband an SOB is not the point, it's about getting across what is hurtful to me. Finding the message that needs to be communicated is key to finding peace while telling one's truth.
Has my life changed because of this change in thought and behavior? You bet it has. Sure sometimes it's still been difficult but sometimes it has been more rewarding than anything I have ever known before. The pluses have definitely outweighed the minuses.
There is no honor among manipulators,thieves or liars so why would I expect those people to honor me. What I've found is that the people who are comfortable with this new me are much better friends than those who liked the old withholding me. I'm much happier surrounded by people who appreciate honesty than those who prefer the opposite.