This post on Letting Go turned out nothing like the first one that I first mentioned in My Voice Even though I had remnants of that post in my mind putting them together didn't lead me down the same road. I guess the post that blogger ate is really gone forever.
As I found myself writing the replacement, it started off the same but took a strange turn right after the first paragraph. I can only think I must have needed to write this new version as well. However, I wonder if the "other" message was important to some part of me too.
I think if I am to honor that voice of mine, and hopefully keep it engaged, it's important to remember what that message was so I can post it too. Funny how things can change when fate jumps in and intervenes
I did just get a brief flash on the lost content of the original post, it had to do with trying to control my life............and how fruitless that was for me. Back in the days when I would do or say about anything to keep someone from being angry at me, my life was really a mess. As much as I thought I was controlling my life and making it better, I was really spinning out of control heading for a huge crash.
I'm grateful for having learned (and believing) that I can't control what others think or feel about me, no matter how hard I try. I've been able to give up those controlling behaviors that took all of my energy and only set me up for failure.
It's still funny to me (in an odd peculiar way) how easy it was to believe that I had control of the world in those circumstances. Not speaking my truth to protect others seemed so harmless. Yet it nearly killed me.
It's nearly impossible to see the way that one swallowed statement led to another and another and the downhill slide that went with it. Before I knew it had turned into this big powerful weight holding me down and suffocating the life right out of me. Things were spinning out of control and I felt totally helpless.
That was the thing that got me.........that helplessness. I ended up feeling like I had no control in my life. No matter what I said or did was futile. That is what nearly killed me...........not being able to see my personal power or exercise it in any way. It was an easy leap from thinking not telling one truth would make my life better to having no power in my life at all.
to be continued...............