Sunday, October 26, 2008

Still Battling Along with Depression

That Depression just doesn't want to leave me. Although I've managed to go on with my life and do mostly the things I want to do, I still feel the heaviness weighing on me.

This weekend was not my normal schedule. I usually work horses on Saturday and then have Sunday and Monday off. However, due to the discovery that Dakota is not pregnant, the plans for Saturday were changed (not by me) and I found myself floundering for the day.

That somehow managed to seep over into today and I find I've grown sullen and dark as the depression has welled back up in me. It appears it has taken advantage of the slow down in my schedule to wedge its way back to the forefront. At this rate, it's going to be a long week.

I'm thinking the depression is rooted in those feelings that I can't connect with people. Then it's wrapped up tightly with the discovery that my daughter's feelings have really not changed since her teenage woes. The bow tying this all together is probably my relationship with my husband which is anything but nurturing. I know I'm going to have to find a way to fix these things.

Don't worry, I don't mean fix them for them because I know I can't do that. I mean fix them for me. I'm going to have to come up with ways to take better care of myself so that I can be protected from these feelings. Obviously I have needs that are not being met, I need to identify what they are and find appropriate ways to fill them.

I know the easiest one of those is to get my horses all back here under my care. I know I need to not have my horses tied up in anyway with my daughter. That leaves me vulnerable to her and it's obvious she can't be trusted in that manner. But from there, I'm not really sure what it is I need, or maybe I just don't really want to know. Which ever it is, I'm going to have to get it figured out and begin taking better care of me.

I did begin working out at a gym this week. I won't say that I am gung ho into this because I am not. But I am going to stick with it and get myself back into good shape. I really hate the way my body looks and my lack of strength.

I do find that working out makes me feel better even if it's only short lived. I'm hoping over time as I build my strength that feeling will stick around longer. Who knows, I might actually grow to enjoy rigorous exercise. At any rate, I'm glad for even a brief respite from this depression while I figure out what it will take to send it packing for good.


jumpinginpuddles said...

Interestingly i could see by the previous three posts that depression had seeped in and could hear it even over the phone. We wil lkeep calling and checking on you being half way across thw world we cant do much else excep to say we know the dangers of depression and how hard it is to get it out once it enters.

Lily Strange said...

Good luck with the battle. Depression is such a bastard. I feel so sad when I think that my son has to deal with this monster. Surely he deserves better.
I'm depressed and grouchy today, but I realize that I have PMS, so it's par for the course!

Lynntaketwo said...

It sounds like separating your horses from your daughter would be a really good thing to do to take care of yourself.

Frazzled Farm Wife said...

Depression is you take meds for it? Hang in there!

Labyrinth said...

It's amazing how heavy depression can be, like a physical weight on us. I find that going to the gym helps most of the time, and if nothing else is good for me.

It sounds like you're making some good decisions... I sure do understand about the depression and am sorry you're having to struggle with it. I know who'll be the winner though, and it ain't depression!

Lily Strange said...

I agree with Lynn. Her suggestion is very wise.