Well, it's that time of year again. Halloween is just around the corner. The TV is over run with commercials for candy and costumes, party decorations and food. Even the people at the barn are talking about dressing up horses in costumes and such. One of my friends actually sent me a video clip of a stripper that striped down to her skeleton thinking it was cute. There's just nowhere to escape the constant reminders.
I posted last year, Halloween from a Cult Survivor and things haven't changed much. It's not like I have all kinds of flashbacks or any old programming kicking in. It's just the constant reminders of how different I am from the rest of the world.
I recently spoke to a multiple friend about my lack of connections to people. I thought that she was doing better in that department than I only to find out that she, too, keeps people at arms length. No one in the real world knows, nor really cares, what I'm feeling.
It's really odd to have those people who know me best be distant folks I've met on the internet. It just seems so strange to feel more connected to nameless, faceless people across the world than those in my own backyard.
I doubt that it's because it's easier for me because of the anonymity the internet provides since I haven't really done much to be anonymous. I'm easy enough to locate. I actually feel safer being more public about my identity. But it makes me wonder if there just aren't that many people in the world who really care about what others are thinking or feeling. If that's true, what a shallow lot that makes humans.
Maybe that's what all the fuss about Halloween is about. Human beings so shallow an excuse for a party is more important than the real meaning of this day. Or those people are so afraid of dealing with their own past they can't be open to anyone else's.
I just know it's a tough week. Every commercial brings memories of screaming children and even my own physical pain. Nothing but constant reminders of what my childhood and my family wasn't.
I think maybe this year is harder because I'm beginning to discover how my current family doesn't really care about me either. It seems that I'm more useful to them as some kind of trophy than as a human being. That's as painful as any torture ever was.
So yes, I'm working on those walls. But it's going to take some time to rally my "troops" around me and seal off this pain. In the meantime I'm just plodding along one step at a time trying to get my system back into safer territory. But I have to say this isolation really doesn't feel good this time of year with all this Halloween mania that goes on here in the states. What I wouldn't give for one human being that could reach out and touch me........and give a damn.
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13 comments:
I really wish I was there to reach out and touch you because I DO give a damn! You will have to settle for a cyber hug (((hugs)))!
I wish I were closer. I'd reach out and give you a hug. But alas my arms haven't figured out how to transcend computer wires so you'll have to accept a virtual one ((((hugs))))
How close are you to Milton, WA? This is a serious question by the way.
I dont know how to reach out and touch you, but I DO give a damn about you.
{{{MiKael}}}
Interestingly i was going to do a blog on disconnectedness after our conversation.
ok ive done a blog as well
Add me to the list of cyber (((hugs)))! You are cared about and appreciated for yourself here.
frazzled farm wife, thanks for the hug, it is appreciated.
enola, those arms would have to be really, really long. LOL Thanks for the cyberhugs.
battle weary, Milton, WA is in the same county that I live in. Why do you ask?
kahless, thank you, I know you do care. I appreciate you are there for me.
jip, it doesn't surprise me. We've done that before coming up with similiar posts.
jip, I did read it, just haven't commented as yet. Still thinking....
angel, thanks for the hugs from you as well.
I certainly don't mean to discount my cyber friends. I don't know where I'd be right now without all of your support.
Wonderful post. I have two friends I share stuff with, but find I share the really icky stuff only with my therapist, my journal, and online people who care.
This is a very difficult time of year for me... and the decorations that people put in their yards get more and more ghoulish every year. I can't go anywhere without being confronted by all the awful stuff.
My brother recently was stationed at Fort Lewis...he's now deployed in Iraq, but my sis-in-law and 3 nephews live in Milton. I am tentatively planning a visit...not sure when exactly as money is an issue. I'll just leave it at that for now.
I hate Halloween, too, RR. And I feel the same way about not having real life contacts. Sadly, I do have someone who really cares, but I am still alone. He would reach out and hug me. He tries to, but I just can't deal with it.
I don't connect with people very easily either, as you know.
I always feel guilty when I think about people suffering on Halloween, because as a child I always found it so much fun, being the macabre little ghoul that I am, I've always enjoyed horror stories. Of course to me the real meaning is as a harvest celebration, but I have good memories from childhood so I don't get on my high horse about the costumes and stuff. I just wish no-one had to suffer due to any holiday. Holidays are really a pretty arbitrary thing.
I really do try to understand what you are going through. Some things I just can't connect with, simply because unfortunately I think one has to experience it before they can really understand.
But I do know this much. There are people out there that do give a damn. I'm one of them. If I were just an hour or so closer, I'd be making a total pest out of myself making sure that you were taking care of you.
Well, I guess I can only do that via the internet. So here's a BIG hug and really if you do need anything, I'm only an email and a couple hours away. I'd drop everything to run down and give you a shoulder to cry on if you needed it.
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