Well, it's that time of year again. Halloween is just around the corner. The TV is over run with commercials for candy and costumes, party decorations and food. Even the people at the barn are talking about dressing up horses in costumes and such. One of my friends actually sent me a video clip of a stripper that striped down to her skeleton thinking it was cute. There's just nowhere to escape the constant reminders.
I posted last year, Halloween from a Cult Survivor and things haven't changed much. It's not like I have all kinds of flashbacks or any old programming kicking in. It's just the constant reminders of how different I am from the rest of the world.
I recently spoke to a multiple friend about my lack of connections to people. I thought that she was doing better in that department than I only to find out that she, too, keeps people at arms length. No one in the real world knows, nor really cares, what I'm feeling.
It's really odd to have those people who know me best be distant folks I've met on the internet. It just seems so strange to feel more connected to nameless, faceless people across the world than those in my own backyard.
I doubt that it's because it's easier for me because of the anonymity the internet provides since I haven't really done much to be anonymous. I'm easy enough to locate. I actually feel safer being more public about my identity. But it makes me wonder if there just aren't that many people in the world who really care about what others are thinking or feeling. If that's true, what a shallow lot that makes humans.
Maybe that's what all the fuss about Halloween is about. Human beings so shallow an excuse for a party is more important than the real meaning of this day. Or those people are so afraid of dealing with their own past they can't be open to anyone else's.
I just know it's a tough week. Every commercial brings memories of screaming children and even my own physical pain. Nothing but constant reminders of what my childhood and my family wasn't.
I think maybe this year is harder because I'm beginning to discover how my current family doesn't really care about me either. It seems that I'm more useful to them as some kind of trophy than as a human being. That's as painful as any torture ever was.
So yes, I'm working on those walls. But it's going to take some time to rally my "troops" around me and seal off this pain. In the meantime I'm just plodding along one step at a time trying to get my system back into safer territory. But I have to say this isolation really doesn't feel good this time of year with all this Halloween mania that goes on here in the states. What I wouldn't give for one human being that could reach out and touch me........and give a damn.