Tuesday, August 12, 2008


I was talking to a fellow multiple the other day and she was commenting about an alter of hers that has been sent into tears on numerous occasions. Her complaint was that it seemed to be the same person who upset this poor alter so.

While I did understand her concern for this alter and the problems such kinds of things happening can cause a system, I couldn't help but wonder what it must be like to have alters that could cry in front of others.........or for that matter that could cry "outside" at all. As much as I know that tears and crying should be OK, actually crying is just not something that happens to me.

I won't say that I have never cried on the outside because that wouldn't be true but I have cried very little in my life. This might seem strange to say but crying is a luxury that I just don't know.

As much as I would love to just let things out sometimes, it never happens. The only crying for me happens on the inside and that used to never happen before I did therapy. I am grateful that I can at least cry undetected on the inside now.

Rarely, if ever, do I cry in front of anyone.........and it is brief and nearly undetectable if I do...........a tear or two is all.
I believe as a result of this staying inside, I carry the tension in my body. It is a hard rock that lies across my shoulders and it's very painful. Just knowing what causes that tension doesn't help alleviate things.

Survival for me has dictated keeping my emotions on the inside. Now, after my bout with therapy, many feelings I have are expressed externally but there still are no tears. For some reason tears seemed to be connected to my core feelings..........kind of like that "easy button" on the TV commercial......press the thing and all sorts of things happen. And believe me, it's just too "easy" to jump from the tears to reliving old horrors.

As long as my core feelings are linked to physical torture, I suspect that I will stay this way..........wishing that I could cry and turn the heaviness out where it belongs..........but unable to do so. Sometimes I wish I could just sit down and watch a sad movie or read a sad book and let all those tears find their way out...............but I know that will never work.

Those days of my infancy with a mother tying me up and gagging me for crying have firmly entrenched my psyche. I cannot escape those feelings that tears will kill me. Then the door is flung open to al those core feelings with their physical manifestions and from there " I would rather be dead than hurt like this anymore."

Real tears are a luxury I cannot afford and yet what I wouldn't give for a "good cry!"


Kahless said...

Dont know what to say really, so I will just say "hi"
Thinking of you in these tough times.


Anonymous said...

so sorry you can't cry (((hugs)))

Lynn said...

I have something similar, though I normally can cry. I have this space that I fall into where there is crying, but it is only on the inside. It's terrible there, because I can feel the effects of the emotional pain, though it usually seems to be somewhat 'removed' (for lack of a better word). I call it the Crying Place. It really is awful there. It hurts and it makes me feel very heavy and weighed down. I haven't been crying there, though. Not on the outside. Except for sometimes after I fall asleep. I have had sobbing escape to the outside then and wake me up. It's a bad place.

Enola said...

I usually can't cry - except apparantly when I'm off medication and pregnant. Then I cry all the time. It's been cathartic at times and downright annoying at others.

Tamara said...


I know sometimes I feel I need to cry but there is this weird stubborn part of me that refuses to let the tears come. Never have figured out completely why that is. I know that when I finally do cry I feel better. So, I am very sorry that you can only cry on the inside.

Battle Weary said...

We hope you are okay. Have been reading but never know what to say. (((hugs if you want them)))

Lily Strange said...

I learned early on that "only babies cry." It is highly unlikely that I will cry in front of other people. Even by myself there are only brief bursts. I tend to express my sorrows as anger and physical sickness.

Kahless said...

Missing your presence in blogland and your posts....

What's happening?

jumpinginpuddles said...

dear MiKael,
i cry a lot whilst others in here dont cry at all. Im sorry you cant cry because i call them the salt of healing.
from Amelia