Today was the "big" day. I had my scheduled mammogram followed by an ultrasound of both breasts. It's been a long time since I had a mammogram and now I can tell you why. The darn test was very triggering for me.
It felt like a demeaning experience to say the least. Like somehow just walking through the door made me feel less than human. The cool distance of the professionals only added to my discomfort. I wanted to flee.
As I went through this process, I could hear a small child off somewhere deep inside sobbing uncontrollably. It took all I could muster to keep her inside so I could complete the test. But sometime soon, she's going to need to come out.
Even now as I type this I hear her wails of pain. I know that it's about not having any control over the body, having to just sit there and let them do whatever they wanted. It didn't matter how much it hurt. She mustn't shed a tear or move. If she did so...... something even more awful might happen. Just with the typing the flashes are taking over my consciousness. Tears are welling up.
During the test someone older tried to console her. I heard the voices telling her she was safe. No one was going to harm her. But the manipulation of my body for the test only reinforced her fear. It was a difficult day.
Then to top it off I have to go back. The test results were inconclusive and they want to redo my ultrasound in 3 months. I made an appointment but doubt that I will keep it. There are too many parts of me that feel like they had their chance for their results and that's that. I'm not so sure I don't totally agree.
How are you with tests like this? Would you go back?