Today was the "big" day. I had my scheduled mammogram followed by an ultrasound of both breasts. It's been a long time since I had a mammogram and now I can tell you why. The darn test was very triggering for me.
It felt like a demeaning experience to say the least. Like somehow just walking through the door made me feel less than human. The cool distance of the professionals only added to my discomfort. I wanted to flee.
As I went through this process, I could hear a small child off somewhere deep inside sobbing uncontrollably. It took all I could muster to keep her inside so I could complete the test. But sometime soon, she's going to need to come out.
Even now as I type this I hear her wails of pain. I know that it's about not having any control over the body, having to just sit there and let them do whatever they wanted. It didn't matter how much it hurt. She mustn't shed a tear or move. If she did so...... something even more awful might happen. Just with the typing the flashes are taking over my consciousness. Tears are welling up.
During the test someone older tried to console her. I heard the voices telling her she was safe. No one was going to harm her. But the manipulation of my body for the test only reinforced her fear. It was a difficult day.
Then to top it off I have to go back. The test results were inconclusive and they want to redo my ultrasound in 3 months. I made an appointment but doubt that I will keep it. There are too many parts of me that feel like they had their chance for their results and that's that. I'm not so sure I don't totally agree.
How are you with tests like this? Would you go back?
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16 comments:
well cant really say we would considering we have a few tests of our own we have had appts for and have not gone out of uncontrollable fearand the feeling of fleeing to safety is more powerful then we can handle so we just do not go.....alot of us know we should....that they are important tests.....but we cannot bring ourselves to do it.....so there it is i guess we wouldnt
I have never had a mammogram. I am over a year overdue on having a gynae appt. I just don't want to go. I haven't been for 4 years. Liquid medicines freak me out. I have promised myself that I will NEVER take picolax or other bowel prep again. Even if my life depended on it. Whether I will or not in such a situation I do not know. I hope you take the test but do understand why you won't.
((((((((Rising Rainbow)))))))
(((Hugs))) I would go back - only because I'd be scared not to return. However, I would probably bring someone with me that knows about my anxiety, etc and have them stay with me. I'd also (if not pregnant) take a xanax.
anonymous, there are other things I deal with that I know I need to do as well but just can't get done. I have had to resort to getting my husband to do some of them for me sometimes. Too bad I can't get him to take this test. That would be a sight.....wouldn't it?
kahless, I totally understand. It just doesn't matter that my life depends on it. These effects of being a victim hang on long after other issues are gone. I doubt that most professionals even realize or address this when working with patients. I know I was thinking on my inpatient screening there needed to be questions about this kind of issues. Feeling like those people cared one way or the other might have made this not so difficult.
Thanks for the hugs.
enola, I was thinking I might drag my husband along but don't know if they will allow that. He goes to the dentist with me. That's the only way I will go.
Big (((hugs))). I hate medical tests and stuff. Dentists are even worse. But I go. Because I know what's happened when I didn't. I start the day before doing deep, calming breathing. I dredge up the most vivid relaxing images I can. And I treat myself to some kind of reward afterwards. That said....there's still always a delay between when I should have such check ups, etc. and when I actually do.
we have been through the same thing along with the inconclusive results. we understand exactly how you feel and please let us send your little some safe warm hugs now that she is back home with all of you.
peace and blessings
keepers
p.s we did not go back
I have not had a mammogram yet but this is the year I turn 40 and am supposed to go in for one. I would highly recommend you follow through, I have know too many people with breast cancer but for most of them they caught it early enough and are doing fine....please follow your dr's recommendation.
congrats on getting the test, they can be hard. We went through an invasive test today- at the female doctor, for a possible cyst. It is very hard like you said demeaning. And there is the person in white coat, no matter how nice, they are in a position of power and it raises ugly stuff. It is hard to stay grounded to keep one person out. There is often crying or upset inside. They will let your H with you in an exam. We bring ours with us to all tests, we've yet to have any issues. They just have to stay out of the way of the doc. We've also told some that we have an abuse history, sometimes they will be extra gentle, or explain things more, or stop to check how I am.
Patches
we can remember our doctor wanting to do a breast exam becasue they had a practice of doing both as in a pap smear and a breast exam after finding one of her clients one day clear of ovarian cancer but becasue of her exam staved off full blown breast cancer.
She asked we said no she asked we said no until we were under her table crying hysterically, she never asked again and no doc has also as she put on our note dont do a breast exam ever. We dont know if we would go back without a support person.
There are dangers with mammograms and it's a shame the public are brainwashed into the conventional medial system's way of thinking.
I've had one. It hurt like hell (being large breasted makes it worse than average I'm told). Also, the results of mammograms are not terribly reliable and often lead to more invasive procedures that can spark a series of false positives.....
Please research the data for yourself to put your mind at ease.
My opinion is the same for pap smears.
But then I'm a homeopath and don't much subscribe to conventional medicine in most forms. I'm not 'against' doctors -- I do think they have their uses; mainly in diagnostics; blood work, x-rays; setting broken bones, etc.
There are a few alternative websites (reliable ones amongst the many quack sites....not easy to sift through) if you're interested.
My mom had colon cancer when she hit her late 40's...it was in the advanced stage, and only by the grace of God were they able to get all of it....So..they have strongly suggested all 4 of us kids get "the scope" :-( as we hit our 40's...I said I would NEVER have that test...well, finally worked up the courage to do it..and just had a 5 yr follow up test last month...where they found a precancerous polup. As humbling as it is to be poked and prodded, the alternative is even more unpleasant... find out after it's too late there is cancer present, and still have to go through the procedures...take your hubby along for moral support..and ask your friends to be praying next time...it made a world of difference for me..by the way..thanks for your recent comments on my blog too.
MiKael-
I start breaking down a few weeks before my yearly physical. I have a good doctor now whom I trust, and knows of my history and that helps, but yes it is very hard, and very very triggering.
Even though I have a terrible abuse history, I would go back. One time my mammogram revealed something and I had to have needle biopsy and a biopsy.
It was hell going through, but I'm not sorry I did it.
Your health and well being are the most important things. During the next three months you can do a lot of work on how to make it less traumatic for the little ones.
My T talks a lot about hurt vs. harm. Yes, it hurts to go through it, but not going through it could cause great harm.
Hurt is a painful appendix. Harm is not getting it taken care of. There is a huge difference.
I'm not saying it's easy, but it is something to consider.
It's really awful that those of us with extreme abuse histories have to keep going through this as adults. I'm so sorry that you have to.
I hate having medical procedures done. I have not been able to bring myself to have "the female exam" in about 19 years now even though I "should." And I've never had a mammogram. I guess it's better if one does get these tests, though.
Please take your doctor's advise to get more testing done. It could save your life! I had breast cancer at age 42, but it was caught very early so I didn't need chemo, only radiation for 6 weeks after the minor surgery. (I took something for my nerves before the biopsy, so I'm sure they can give you something, too.)
Take care of yourself. We want you around for a long, long time! :)
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