I didn't mean to pick on Kahless in these last two posts. I'm sorry if it seems that was my intention. What I really wanted was to walk through the process that enabled me to put aside this old coping mechanism of all or nothing thinking.
Part of the reason I felt it was important to do this, was because I have a number of cyber friends who are struggling with the same issue. Each time sometime happens that makes them feel bad, they retreat convinced that life is out to get them in some way. Just like Kahless they can be thinking that maybe there is no point in trying to change or be open and honest when the world is not worthy of being trusted.
Since it's been a while since I walked down this road, I'd have to dig my journals out to remember what was even pushing my buttons way back when. It has become so automatic to see things differently that I rarely even think about what I'm doing anymore. If I stumble at all, I soon recognize the signs of all or nothing thinking and just let go.
Kahless provided me with examples that were not the least unlike those I would have thought myself back in those days. I used them because I understood them so well. After all they were shoes I'd walked in at least a million times.
They were exactly the same kinds of things I was hearing from my other cyber friends. Those friends were struggling with seeing them differently as well. So I decided I would post and travel the same road I had done to get clear of this form of thinking. That was to dissect them into manageable parts.
Yes, I broke them down into the most very basic forms because that is what it took for me to see there was another side. The big picture seemed so accurate to me until I dissected it down like this. Sometimes I felt a little foolish once I'd done this exercise.Other times I was relieved to see that people really weren't as bad as I thought they were. Regardless that's what it took for me to see that those old skills were really causing me problems.
It's so much easier to look back at those times because I have better skills now. During those times I was a wreck. I had no self esteem. All of those messages kept me beaten down and afraid to even try to find another way. Not to mention the fact that I was convinced that I was right about my fears about people and the world. It was really hard for me to see what might have been obvious to others. Maybe that's why I had to strip things down to such basic information.
It's been a long road to get free from those messages. Much of that road I took in baby steps just like these. Do I feel stupid or inadequate because I had to strip things down to such basics? Not in the least, there are many people who will never see their way to challenging this old messages and beliefs let alone changing them.
I know how hard it is to travel this road. I know that few people really embrace this journey. I have nothing but respect for those who do. It doesn't matter to me where they might be in the journey. What matters is that they seek it at all.
I have a number of cyber friends who are trying to find their way. Some are struggling and some are doing ok for the time. Some are public about it like Kahless speaking out on her blog and those of others, and others are in the shadows. Through all of their ups and downs, I am proud to call each of them friend. I might add that includes Kahless who never ceases to amaze me with how hard she tries to find her way.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did all or nothin thinking