Childhood Coping Skills Cause Adult Problems

In the comments on yesterday's post, The Pendulum of Feelings Kalhless made it clear that I had not really addressed the point that she had been trying to make in her post, Hurt It wasn't that she was thinking about not having feelings (although she's thinking that might be ok), she was thinking what is the point of trying with people if people are just going to hurt you.

Everybody will put the knife in at some point....Truly human beings in general are not nice I think....... Everybody has there own agenda.

The biggest problem I see with this is that it's based pretty much on All or Nothing Thinking What is that, you say. It's a pattern of thinking that exaggerates reality. I know that sounds harsh but read first and then think about it.

Johnny doesn't like me, so nobody likes me.
Billy said I'm stupid so the whole world thinks I'm stupid.
My neighbor is a pain in the *ss, so the whole world is a pain in the *ss.
Johnny fell down so Johnny is clumsy.
Suzy made a mistake on her paper so she's stupid.
My husband is a batterer so all men cannot be trusted
I bent a nail driving it in so I'll never make a carpenter.
My hair looks bad today so I am ugly
The neighbor had an car accident so he should never be allowed to drive.
The kids laughed when I sang so I must never try that again.
The old man in the gas station tries to grab me so no one can be trusted.
These are examples of all or nothing thinking.

It is quite common for victims of childhood abuse to get into this pattern. Our perception of the world was limited. We had no way to know that outside our realm of abuse there were safe people out there. We believe what our experience has told us.

In some ways that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. We isolate to avoid being hurt. The limited people we allow ourselves contact with are within our comfort zone. That comfort zone is based on the coping skills we learned as children.

Those coping skills, while they might have been effective in an abusive family, will not serve us well in the real world. We find ourselves drawn to those individuals using the same skills. Because the coping skills are not adequate for surviving in the adult world, we find ourselves plagued with problems.

Our childhood coping skills tell us the problem is the world. We don't see that it is them (the coping skills) that are the problem. So instead, we believe we need to protect ourselves from the world. The more we cut ourselves off, the less likely we are to learn that there is a better way to deal with our problems. It is a vicious circle.

To be continued...........