I can remember back when I was in therapy that someone, somewhere described to me that feelings are on a pendulum. They can only swing as far to the good as they can swing to the bad. If we don't allow ourselves to experience bad feelings, it stops the amount of swing to the side where the good feelings reside.
I'm pretty sure I didn't believe it at the time. It sounded like a load of bunk someone cooked up to convince me that it was ok to experience those negative feelings that I was so frightened off. But the fact is, at that time, I wasn't experiencing much of anything. I was pretty numb.
As I worked in therapy I was frightened of being swallowed up by negative feelings. Something inside me kept insisting that they were more than I could bear. Despite my fear I managed to work through some things that made a difference in that numbness of mine.
I began to experience some good feelings as well as some not so good ones. I did ok as long as the bad ones were happening in therapy. It seemed to make some kind of sense that bad ones would be connected to childhood abuse. I guess I was prepared for them.
But I hadn't really thought about the fact that those bad feelings could happen anywhere. I remember the first time something hurt my feelings that didn't have to do with my past. I was really devastated. I felt like someone had taken a knife and stabbed me right in the heart.
I can remember that I was feeling just like kahless stated in her recent post, Hurt . The circumstances leading up to this were different but the end result was the same
So these people thought the worst of me and didn't give me the opportunity to talk with them.
I didn't deserve that.
It has shattered a lot of things in my world.
I am really quite hurt.
There is an irony in that. I have paid a lot of money in therapy to do feelings and I guess it has taken me aback that I seem to be doing them.
Between the lines I read, "What's the point of doing this if I'm only going to get hurt?" I know that's exactly what I was thinking.
As I was working on my comment to Kahless, I thought about how things have changed for me. I thought about that pendulum.
I also thought about the fact I've learned that it is true. Only if you allow yourself to experience heartache, can you ever experience joy. I have experienced some pretty extreme heartache. Even as I type this I can hear the cries and remember the intensity of that pain.
The people who are close to me are overwhelmed by how intensely I feel emotional pain. But they are equally overwhelmed by how intensely I feel the good things in life. Sometimes I think I am making up for lost time emotionally, catching up on all the joy my lifetime was meant to hold.
Every time life gets rough and I want to run from my pain. I remind myself of that pendulum. Being able to remember the new found joy I have experienced gives me the courage to plod through the pain. Never again will I allow myself to escape and begin the downward spiral back to numb. Life is so much better this way.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression