Monday, February 4, 2008

Even More Questions on Feelings and Such

A while back I began to answer
Another Group of Questions - Starting with Group Therapy followed by Another Group of Questions - Part 2
These questions were asked by Kahless in a list of questions she provided to help me with topics for blog posts. I haven't finished that list, so I'm back picking up where I left off.

Q: Do some people just not do feelings much and compartmentalise them away and is that just them and ok?

A; I believe that when people compartmentalize their feelings instead of dealing with them, sooner or later it will come back to haunt them. Compartmentalizing them is just a fancy term for stuffing them. Neither is effective. I know from experience that stuffing my feelings leads to depression. I believe that studies have been done that suggest it also can lead to health issues.

Q: How you can get in touch with your anger / express anger healthily

A: I think when we explore our past, we get the opportunity to get in touch with our anger. But before we can get angry we must accept that we have a right to be angry and that there is something to be angry about. Like the earlier posts have mentioned, most victims tend to minimize the damage that was done to them. The anger will not come until those minimizations have been dealt with.

As for expressing anger in a healthy manner, I think first off it has to not be in an abusive manner. It's not ok to confront someone we are angry with and call them names or misuse our personal power in any way. That kind of expression will not be healing at all.

Appropriate expressions of anger can come in direct confrontation. But I think it's best to rehearsh such confrontations so that we have a good idea what we want to say. By practicing it with someone we trust, we get the chance to try things out to see if it comes out like we'd planned and make changes if necessary. Also, practicing makes it easier to get it the way we want it when the confrontation is for real.

There are lots of therapuetic ways to get anger out. I really liked throwing darts at pictures of people I was angry with. I think I've also mentioned before sculpting bust of particular offenders and dropping them off a balconey. I've beat the heck out of more than one pillow. Although I've learned to not used the goose down ones, it's not pretty when they break open. Writing letters and watching them burn. Building models of houses and torching those has quite a good feel. There are a zillion creative ways to get anger down to a more manageable size. Oh geez, I forgot the most obvious one, exercise!!!!

Q: Do some multiples go through life never knowing that they are multiples?

A: I believe the answer to this questions is yes. Even professionals are beginning to believe that many multiples function just fine the way they are. It seems to be only if some major trauma happens that it tips the balance in the system. Then things spin out of control and they seek out help.

I didn't really spin out of control to get help although I did late in my therapy when the agency made a big change in their policy and removed me from my group. Even after that I managed to keep my system from destructive behavior. Had it not been for that policy change, I think I would have sailed smoothly through my process.

I have an idea that my stability was because the satanic abuse stopped when I was seven. I think my system adapted to that and settled in pretty well to dealing with my "normal" life. Even being raped and married to a couple of real bums didn't tip me out of control. I did have a few missing hours but I really had no idea they were missing. It was more like they were forgotten than gone.

I sought help because I realized that it must have been something about me that I kept picking jerks. That and the timing of what I'll call the public "outing" of childhood sexual abuse were perfect to get me onto a healing path. I don't know whether I would have hit the depressed state I was in had I not already started a journey towards healing. I think it was only once I began exposing my feelings that I ever felt the depression. It was probably there all the time but I was so out of touch with it, I didn't have a clue.

My guess is that's the way many multiples are. Like Truddi Chase, she functioned very successfully in the professional world, no one had an idea she was part of a system. Had it not been for her divorce, I doubt that she would have tipped out of control either.

to be continued...........


Kahless said...

I guess my question remains; so how do you know the difference between a spent feeling and a compartmentalised feeling? When is afeeling done?

Vi said...

'Putting emotions in boxes' I knew a guy that used to do that, it annoyed the CRAP out of me! You are right, it doesn't make them deal with it, just bottles it up more.

katy said...

i have always been the one that bottles up my feelings, i am getting there and am trying to deal with issues as they arise, no I AM DEALING with issues as they arise I AM learning to say what i feel, when i feel it. thank you again

jumpinginpuddles said...

We look back now and realise playing tennis helped with our anger growing up, it was the only thin that helped us know we felt and becasue of the anger we were damn good at the sport. But when we stopped playing so did the ability to deal with anger so we turned itinward and outward we damaged the body did crazy reckless things to punish ourselves for feelign the anger we were sure we had no right to.
We know we arent the only one whose done that. We by the time we got married were spinning out of control, the marraige made it worse having am ale with uys all teh tiem was what tipped us, being newly married was too hard on us so we sought help.
now the ironic thing is the one thing that got us help was marriage and the one thing we are now seeking to leave is marriage because we go the help LOL

jumpinginpuddles said...

are you ok ?

Fallen Angels said...

Your response to the last question fits very neatly with what I think of tacking "disorder" onto the end of dissociative identity and multiple personality! I think disorder should be dropped. Most multiples function very well, some know they are multiple and some don't; but either way they function very well...until something happens to change that. Not everyone has something happen though! I believe that "disordered" is not our, or most other multiples normal state. We have periods of disorder...that's not the norm.