Sunday, February 10, 2008
An Award and More of Kahless's Questions on Feelings and Such Part 2
Katy from Her Indoors bestowed a Lovely Love Award She had to say Rising Rainbow, now I know RR is not into linking, but I have to say that the posts she writes have helped me more than I can ever say, you are truly amazing, thank you.
I would like to thank Katy for sharing this award with me. I am pleased that my posts are useful for people and I so appreciate that Katy and others regularly comment to let me know I am on the right track in my posts. Without my commenter I probably would have ceased blogging this difficult subject.
I think this is the last of the group of questions that I got from Kahless. They bounce around a bit so there really is not a theme here.
I think we got into this first questions came about because I'd made a comment about spotting behaviors that set off an alarm in me to be careful. I know that most of my life I didn't have this skill at all and without it I got into lots of trouble.
Q: What warning signs can you see that someone is untrustworthy, or vice versa?
A: For me the simplest way to answer this is that I trust my gut. If my first reaction to someone is to be wary, I try to honor that. I will give the person a chance but I won't discount that initial feeling. Then as I go along I will read behaviors based on which side of the column they go in, a trustworthy person or an untrustworthy one.
The behaviors that will back me up are anything that is manipulative. While many people who are manipulative have no clue that they are, and some very nice people among them. It still is a measure that what you see is not necessarily what you get. The extent of one's manipulative behavior is telling.
If I see a person who says one thing and does another, that's a pretty obvious clue that this person is not trustworthy. Trying to figure out whether I am in that person's game plan or not is just far to risky for me.
Also I would include in that people who say one thing to my face and another behind my back, or I observe do such things to other people. Those types are engaged in what is called "wedging." They are playing sides against one another to gain strength for themselves.
People who do not respect other people's property or personal space also send a loud message to me. Whatever people do in public you can figure they are probably tens times worse in private. So if you see them invading the space of others in the workplace or grocery etc, you can bet they aren't within my comfort zone at all.
Cheaters send a loud message to me. If a person cheats at horse shows (and they do) those are people that I really care not to have in my inner circle. Anyone who would cheat to win at a horse show has problems with self esteem and ethics. That isn't a good combination. While it is one thing to not wear a belt in a western class (which is against the rules) and another to deliberately cut a horse off in a class to beat them or to ride in the amateur division when a person gets paid to work other people's horses.
People like this are self absorbed and that in and of itself tells me to run as fast as possible. That includes most all truly self absorbed people for me. I have learned that self- absorbed people are only self serving and there is not point in trusting such a person.
Off the top of my head, these are the first things that jump into my brain. I'm sure that there are many many more. Most of those will start off with that feeling in my gut that tells me to pay attention. As long as I honor that I don't get slammed anywhere near like I used to.
Q: Even someone at work who I was really good to turned round and took advantage of me. So I obviously cant tell the good from the bad. Or is it just men!!!!!
A; My first response to the actual question is to laugh. I have enough problems of my own figuring out men, one in particular who lives here. LOL
However, while he steps all over my feelings sometimes, I have to admit it has more to do with my buttons than his intention to push them.
But to the statement part before the quesiton, that makes me sad. I know what it is like to be really good to someone only to have them be really awful to me. Most of the time, I find that I have not paid attention to those clues I saw in the first place.
And as I say this, I think about the biggest clue of all that I missed in the last time this happened to me. That would be a person who was always talking about what a victim she was. No matter what was going on in her life it was someone else's fault. Try as hard as she could and she just couldn't figure it out. She had no money. Life was unfair. She worked hard (at looking like she worked hard) Why were people always picking on her? She had it sooo tough. Well, it was all a cover for how she was screwing over other people.
That is the number one clue I think about offender behavior. Certainly they may not be as outspoken about it as this woman above but it will be there. They are not responsible for themselves. Offenders (and people who take, take, take) believe that they are victims. That life has it out for them when it should "owe them."
Unlike victims, these people don't seem to be ashamed of their behavior at all. Instead they use it as a means to prove how bad they have it. They are great at tricking others into making their life easier.
Q: And another question is understanding how a multiple can have male and female alters. How does that come about? Is it just a reflection of the male and female in us all?
A: I think the creation of opposite gender alters speaks more to the systems need to protect itself and the particulars of their abuse. If a system perceives males as having more power than women, then in an attempt to gain more power to protect the system, they might create male alters for protection.
My primary offenders were all women, and that probably influenced why I did not create male alters. I also think because it was imperative that those outside not be able to distinguish between different alters, a male alter didn't fit within the scope of my system. That may have been part of the thinking of the cult as well. I know that the position I was to assume as an adult made it imperative that I function undetected in the outside world.
It's one of those things that is more of a wonderment to people than something that is explainable.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did gut feeling