At some level, I managed to stay focused on that light and finding my way to it. It wasn't strong enough to keep me from falling back into the darkness of the pit called depression but it was strong enough to keep me from staying there.
Sometimes I couldn't see the light at all. Some tiny little thing would happen in my life that pushed all of those old buttons and I would tumble back into that deep dark hole. The light would be totally out of sight but every now and then it would flicker within my mind with just enough light for me to pull myself gradually back out of the darkness.
At first anything at all connected with those "negative" feelings we all feel and fear, could turn out the light. It was a roller coaster ride plummeting out of control, only to catch myself before I hit the bottom of the pit and pulling myself back up to the brink again.
Sometimes I would play that Neil Diamond song, the tears would flow and I would be overcome by pain. The message in that song seemed to speak to me personally. Despite all the desperation and loneliness I felt, I heard maybe I had the right to be alive. That possibility would rekindle the hope and the light it represented and I could pick myself up and go on for a while more.
I feed on books, magazine articles and television shows that spoke about victims and their innocence. While in my head I was discounting everything I was hearing as not applying to me, somehow the message was still managing to get through. Maybe, just maybe these things applied to me too.
Finally I was so ready to be done with that darkness and that roller coaster ride, that despite my fear, I forced myself forward into totally uncharted territory. I began spilling my guts in therapy. Every secret I could remember, every thing that happened at home that I thought was normal but made me feel bad, I coughed that stuff up like the vomit it was.
Gradually, my self esteem grew to the point that I really did believe that I had a right to be free from the darkness and depression. I still had no idea what all that darkness represented but I was convinced I was up for the task. As determined as I was in my pursuit of the light and its source, I finally reached that point where I managed to keep myself from falling back to the depths of that hole at all.
This post, A Little More History covers how I got to that second stage of therapy which gave me the strength to get myself out of that hole for good. I might hit the rim now and then but never again would I allow myself the total submersion that I had experienced before that intervention.
To be continued...............
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did depression
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6 comments:
I did that for awhile - fed on abuse books, movies, TV shows. Now I avoid them. Never could figure out why - but maybe like you said, it was a catalyst to do something rather than remain in that pit of darkness.
I kept nodding in recognition as I read your post. Remembering. I'm so glad you are finding your way out of the darkness and into the light. I'm so glad you had the courage to speak in therapy and begin to see yourself in this new way.
Good stuff. Compared to you, I feel like I never write. I can't keep up with you.
I did write about the deep, dark pit and posted it on my dot com site. I'm sure it's still there--I'll have to read it again.
I think, for me, the main point is that now I believe I'm worth something (you've mentioned having a right to exist, to be alive--yeah!) and I don't have to hide; AND I don't WANT to be in that pit anymore.
it is truly great to come out of the darkness, something that you probably thought would never happen is now a reality, and thank you again for showing others that this can be done x
My mind is blank but I wanted to say hi and I was here!
enola, it sure was that for me. I think I was trying to figure out the hows and why and also to reaffirm I was not alone.
april_optimist, this is remembering for me as well. it's been many years since I saw the inside of that pit.
marj_aka_thriver, yes, being willing to do what it takes to get out is a big thing.
katy, I hope it helps, that's why I do it.
kahless, some days are like that. Glad you stopped by.
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