Monday, January 14, 2008

Another Look at My Depression - Part 2

Part 1

I don't post about this deep depression I was in to bring anyone down, only as a baseline for what I have escaped. If someone can recognize this place as a place where they struggle, then maybe knowing that others have experienced it too and not only survived but are now thriving might be enough to give them some hope. So I believe conveying the depths of the darkness that had swallowed me up is very important

Had the timing been different, I know I would not be here today. All of those things came together at the right time for me. No one knows me as well as I. I don't attempt anything I cannot do and do well. This would not have been an attempt for me, it would have been a successful suicide.

If "Grace" is that thing that happens just at the right time to make a huge difference in one's life, that saves us from ourselves, then that is what I would attribute to the fact I am here today. I'm pretty sure I didn't realize that at the time or even when I went through my therapy. But I am grateful for the grace that saved me from that dark end.

This post, A Little History speaks to how and why I even managed to get into therapy in the first place. While I was in this therapy, it was during this time that I actually managed to fall head first into that hole or maybe it's when I became aware of this hole. I don't really know for sure which is true. But believe me, I remember that hole!

While this particular therapist didn't help me with my abuse issues, it was this therapist that set up the intervention. The intervention was only the first step in the process to get free from that depression that had insinuated itself into every facet of my being. It wasn't like someone flipped a switch and the darkness was gone forever.Instead it appeared as just a flicker of light, a ray of hope.

After the pitch black darkness I had been experiencing even that flicker was blinding. At first I didn't really do much of anything but get accustomed to this new light. I mulled it over wondering if there could really be any chance that I deserved to be alive. I wondered if those professionals had the chance to do it over, would they just let me go. I was far from ready to jump into revamping my psyche but I wasn't ready to let go of that ray of hope either.

To be continued............

Part 3


Fallen Angels said...

When I was in that dark place, it was my primary care doctor that lit a small flickering candle of hope. In an appointment she suggested I call my insurance for a list of T's and find one I could work with. The next morning she called me with a list...she had called herself knowing I would not. That small act told me that I mattered at least a little bit.

jumpinginpuddles said...

I think from reading your last blog and this one the similaritites are astounding, we also have a plan and have had for years, at times we are closer at others not so close but yes there is a plan.
We also know of that little ray of hope that you describe its not huge but its more than we had six months ago.
We also know the harshness of depression, having died once in an ambulance and paddles needed to be used to revive and keep us alive, we were very very sick after that and needed a fair amount of hospitalisation (we were 25) and last year an attempt made where it was one flicker between a moment of here and not here.
Depression is the most harshest of critics in our life and we try and get help before we get to the plan i hope we always can.

gypsy-heart said...

Your story is fascinating to me. You are a survivor. I honor your honesty and your courage.

Total darkness reveals even the smallest flame. May the light continue to grow brighter!

Kahless said...

I would be interested to hear your views on anti-d drugs and depression. Are they are short term pick up but not a long term solution? Cos I do feel brighter after being on the drugs for several months and I want to stay on them forever. Is that so wrong?
I have a feeling I am going into one of my denial phases though and that can be a cop out.

Rising Rainbow said...

fallen angels, I'm glad that you had your doctor there to give that to you.

jip, I hope you can too. Hang onto that hope.

gypsy-heart, thank you. That is my wish for a lot of people. The light makes all the difference.

kahless, I do not think there is anything wrong with the use of anti-depressants. But I would hope they would be a short term solution. I know many people who take them and while they feel better on them, they are not whole!

I now the difference between better and whole, I hope to never have to live in that place where I was just better. Whole is so amazing!

I would hope for you that someday you could be whole again. You deserve that. Not to mention that any long term us of drugs of any kind can have serious side effects on the liver and/or kidney's. Which wouldn't be good either.