Sunday, December 16, 2007

Questions from NVRider on Cycles of Abuse

In the comment What to Do About Mothers? NVRider said... I have a question about mothers and families that has been rattling around in my head for a while, I hope it's okay to ask.

Maybe it's more about cycles of abuse. I understand that most abusers have been abused themselves in the past. And in the case of ritual abuse, many(all?) parents have been abused/indoctrinated/programmed as children themselves.

I am not sure if there are statistics on abusers being abused as children but I suppose it would be fair to say that many have. As for ritual abuse, some forms of that have been generational while others have not.

My guess is that the split off cult from the Mormon church led by Warren Jeffs that have been in the news for multiple wives and child brides would fall into that category of generational ritualistic abuse. While the Jonestown Massacre many years ago where most killed themselves would certainly classify as ritualistic abuse. That group killed themselves off before they ever got the longevity to be generational in nature. However, my guess is that many of those participants came from families with other forms of abuse.

Certainly in the case of satanism there are families that have been involved with the cult for generations. However, that is not a given for all participants. There are many many victims with no links to older generations. It's probably much more likely victims of incest come from families where the abuse has gone on for generations.

The family rules that set a child up to be molested have a good deal to do with who is and isn't victimized as a child. A victim may get free of a situation but without help to identify why and how it happened and to make big changes in their values and lives can lead to having their children victimized as well. Even though that may be the last thing that victim would ever want, seeing the world by those old family rules leaves an individual lacking in the skills to protect their children and their children lacking in the skills to stand up for themselves.

This would be a major contributor to that cycle of abuse that gets mentioned so often but rarely explained! Many victims think by speaking up that breaks the cycle, but it is only the first step in breaking that cycle. Sometimes it takes generations to make the changes necessary to protect children from abuse.

As I understand it, these questions have to do with the form of abuse that I suffered as a child, satanism. So I'm going to answer specifically to that abuse here.

Q: Why do some people break free, while some never do?

A: I think this is probably the $64,000 question. But my best guess is that is somehow has to do with hope. Despite all they have been through, they still hold onto the hope that things could be better or that all people aren't bad.

Q: What is it about the people that escape the programming and do not go on to abuse their own children that is different from the majority?

A: First off, I'm not sure that an escape from the programming is what is at play here. We are all different and we all perceive situations differently so there is some variance in how victims will react to programming. The systems of multiples being so different from one another, shows how different the perceptions can be. However, children in satanic cults are powerless to affect change in childhood. They have been tricked into believing that they are trapped. I've never heard of another victim who has escaped as a child.

As adults, I think that those who are trying to get free, have somehow been exposed to information that makes them believe that freedom might be possible. Without that exposure, they would never buck their programming.

I think professionals believe that some kind of crisis pushes victims into therapy. From there if the victim is fortunate enough to stumble across a therapist who has the skills to identify what is at the root of their problems, then the victim has the opportunity to challenge his/her programming.

Q: Is it something in the people themselves? Or a breakdown in the abuse programming process?

A: Again I"ll say I don't think that a breakdown in the abuse programming is responsible for victims seeking to get free or being successful in those attempts. Clearly, there must be something that happens that challenges the beliefs formed as children for the process to even begin,

Q: Why can some people separate themselves from the cycle of abuse, but others go on to torture their own children?

A: While this might be far out, I think this has to do with the instinct of mothers. I believe that regardless of their history there are mothers who still have managed to fiercely hold onto the instinct to protect their children. Those mothers may believe that they themselves deserve whatever treatment they are receiving but they refuse to believe the same thing of their children. Those mothers will fight everything, including their programming to protect their children.

Then there are those mothers who never had that instinct in the first place. Those mothers are probably sociopaths who have no empathy and no regard for anyone but themselves Their children have no value except in regards to how they can be used to make things better for the parent. There's no way such a parent would risk personal injury or even emotional pain for their child.

My guess is that there are mothers in between those two extremes. That would allow for the different degrees along the continuum from the mothers who abuse the kids themselves, to the ones who turn their children over for someone else to abuse them or those who don't see that their children are being abused.

How victims of satanism manage to get free of it's hold over them probably comes down to more luck than sense. Something gets the system functioning out of control whether it be from internal conflicts arising over the need to protect a child or a tv talk show they just happened to watch, who knows.

But from there finding the right therapist isn't an easy task. Many have been abused by the mental health system and yet some still struggle through to find help. Then surviving the deprogramming process in itself is a monumental task. Keep in mind that the cult will pull out all the stops to keep that person quiet! Yet some people do not give up. They keep on trying to get free.


jumpinginpuddles said...

ok we were not going to say anything figuring you had done an awesome job but we felt that we could contribute.

Our mother who did grow up being ritually abused did indeed pass on her legacy to being abused but interestingly enoguh our father had grown up in a lesser group chose o marry our mother becasue it then enabled him to move further into the group. In this case it was a choice that he made, without marrying our motehr he would ahve had to move up the ranks himself but marry our mother gave him automatic access to avenues he had not had before.

We escaped or at least am tryign to becasue of two people who entered our life at 17 for the last 20 years they have never given up on us no matter what we have done for us being free is to also prove to these wonderful people and our Therapist now the faith and love they have for us is true, we believe becasue of this we have not gone onto abuse our children, we often have allowed abuse of ourselves rather than anyone abuse our children.
I believe we made a choice to seperate based on a belief that somewhere this all had to stop and our children were worhty of more than the abuse we suffered, for us it was and is a spiritual belief, having decided to attend church at 16 a choice that we believed saved our life and still is saving our life and our childrens lives also.
As we have shown recently although we make a choice to remove ourselves from the whole culture we so hate, some in here have not and only now after nearly 13 years of therapy are we really recieving therapy.
One wise person once said to us what freed her from teh cults clutches was one small alter who believed things could be different and that was the start of her getting free.
Know we added heaps but we wanted to answwer also hope you dont mind.

Anonymous said...

My mother was terribly neglected as a child and I suspect she was also molested by either or both of her brothers. But she is also the queen of denial, investing herself in religious, non-Christian (though she would call herself one) beliefs that categorically deny the existence of evil.

My father died young, and my mother worked extremely hard to put food on our table. Ultimately money became the currency of her love. She was very generous to her children and grandchildren, but I realize now, there was always a price. And that price was our obedience and our silence so that we didn't object to the abusive things that she did (mostly verbal and emotional).

I have vague memories that she molested me when I was very young. It doesn't seem possible, but I was multiple before age six and we lived in an isolated area, so.....

Thank God, I am mostly free of her; we have a superficial relationship, which is fine with me. Her toxicity can't touch me most of the time. I honor her for the things she did right, but I won't let her trap me anymore by manipulation.

I was able to break free of her manipulations because one, I have a fabulous therapist, and two, God has given me a passion for healing.

Rising Rainbow said...

jip, I totally think it's great that you contributed here. Thank you for doing so. The more information that people have the better, as far as I'm concerned.

mosaic-mind, I think there are those who manipulate their religious beliefs to enable there own bad behavior for sure. Sounds like your mother fit into that category.

I think the common belief among professionals is that MPD is the result of horrific abuse in the early years, with early years meaning 7 and under. So there must be a story there for you.

I am glad that you have a passion for healing because that's what it takes!!

Kahless said...

Yes, hope is very powerful.

Fallen Angels said...

I also "escaped" as a child...I think anyway! It really depends on the definition of "escape" I guess. Am I dealing with programming issues? Yes... definitely. Do I have overwhelming fears of going out of my home during certain times of year because "they" might find me? Yes again. However, I also know that "they" haven't found me; While I do lose time, it is either very short periods of time (like a few minutes) or when it is longer amounts of time there are things that show where I have been and what I have been doing (artwork, schoolwork, receipts from shopping and the merchandise to go along with them, and often, safe friends and/or T that can tell me what has been going on, etc). So I can say that the body has not been actively involved for at least 15 years (time I have been with my partner) and prior to that I did not know I was multi or that I had an SRA background, but I also have no memory of anything at all that would point to active involvment then either. The only thing I can think of that might have been some kind of knowledge was my insistance on having a very large, very scary-looking (but very sweet to me only) dog (a wolf-hybrid), because he made me feel safe. So I physically escaped but still deal with the effects? This is why I said "I think"!

However, the escape was nothing but pure luck, it had nothing to do with anything I (or any of me) did. My father moved the family across country because he was in the military and had been stationed in another state. When we moved back it was to an area a few hours from where we were before, and several years later. My mother became involved as a (very young) adult and there was no generational involvment. So I think her value to the "group" was somewhat limited. If she did try to get back involved with them, time constraints, the presence of my father, money constraints and the fact that her value was limited all made it difficult at best.,,and I don't think she ever actually tried.


Marj aka Thriver said... mother was one of those who had no empathy for the suffering of her own children. I also believe that abuse is multi-generational on both maternal and paternal sides of my "family." I used to think that my mother just assumed sexual abuse "was the cross that females had to bear." I also used to think that her religious beliefs led her to many of her decisions, such as "honor thy father and mother."

It took me years, however to recognize that she had no problem getting around her religious beliefs in order to divorce my father. But, she put up no fight whatsoever in allowing us full visitation with our pedophile, sadistic father.

I've heard my mother described as "evil" and "narcissistic" many times. But, never "sociopath." Intersting. Well, I don't want to be around anyone who fits any of these descriptions, and I sure as hell am not going to allow my child to be around them either!!

Rising Rainbow said...

kahless, it sure is and it's something we all need.

fallen angels, it sounds to me like your mother was a "dabbler." As such, you would be right about her envolvement being limited.

A "dabbler" would be someone who wasn't generationally involved and was not inducted in as a child. Usually a young adult or older who is rebelling or emotionally lost that is ripe for exploitation by the cult.

You are indeed lucky that your father was not involved and military and took you away as the result of a transfer. Them allowing your mother such an exit shows that she was involved at lower levels and her loss wasn't threatening to them. My guess would be that they were sure of her silence and felt comfortable that they could easilty get her back for exploitation if need be.

I could probably write volumes about the different layers and dabblers and such. But the important thing here is that you are not actively involved and you are getting help to get free of their programming.

marj_aka_thriver, I am sorry that your mother was one of those ugly mothers witih no empathy. I think that lack of empathy is one of the characteristics of a sociopath.

People with those kinds of terms used to describe them aren't anyone I want around those that I love either.

Anonymous said...

Very interesting posts! Ritual satanic abuse started on my sister and myself when we were young adults through my sister's boyfriend who was from a family who (according to him) had practiced witchcraft for many generations. He started coming to our church and pretended to be a Christian, but was the farthest thing from it. In fact, later he became a High Priest in the occult group.

At the time that the abuse started on us, it also began on our parents. I believe that dissociation from molestation in our childhoods made the abuser's job much easier. He just snapped us right out of consciousness whenever he wanted to.

After marriage, the abuse continued and then along came our children. I COULD NOT protect my children despite fighting to countless times, because i couldn't remember after the abuse that it had happened. And it hurt so badly, that it was perhaps "easier" to do what the perpetrator said and to "forget" each time. He made sure these incidents were so horrific that it was easier to forget than it was to remember. But this ensured our slavery, and continuing abuse, at the time.

Fifteen years passed without the truth coming out. Oh, it tried, and i began often having symptoms of abuse, but not "knowing" where they came from. My husband began to pray "deliver us from evil" every day and did not consciously know why. God began answering that prayer in Sept. 1996. In March 1997, i found out consciously that our own children had been molested by their "uncle" and then the truth about the satanic activity started coming out within months.

My own memories started pouring out in early 2001. I thought that the abuse stopped with my sister's "divorce" from the abuser in 1997. We moved far away in Dec. 2002.

Just realized over the past few months that the abuse actually continued sporadically until shortly before we moved! That was a horrible realization. Even more horrible was to realize that my parents and sister were still controlled and used by the perpetrator against us. They would have NO conscious memory of this if i confronted them. This allegiance with the perpetrator would be totally against their wills. I grew up with parents and sister whom i dearly loved, and we were very close. (My father was more distant, but i still loved him.)

How did our family get free?? Well, first, i believe my husband's prayers started the deliverance. Next, we (my children and i) did memory work and moved far away. The healing continues, and ours is the story of miracles i am so grateful for every day.

Thank you so much for your wonderful blog and for letting others share,