Monday, December 17, 2007

What Not to Tell on a First Date - My Mom's a Multiple

My youngest son was visiting recently and we were talking about how his life is going. He's been like many young men his age struggling some to figure out his direction. He moved away from here very angry and thinking it was all my fault that his world wasn't what he wanted it to be, kind of the typical teenage stuff.

He's come a long way since then. Finally learning to take responsibility for his life and his choices. Actually a really big step was him finally realizing that he did have choices at all. He stumbles some, but don't we all, but on the whole I think he really is on the right track. I'm pretty proud of him.

He's long since gotten over being mad at me. One of the things that he's still struggling with is relationships. He's made a couple of pretty scary choices in the past with the women that he's trusted. Both of his major relationships turned out to be with very needy women. Let's just leave it at that.

But he has figured out that he's been hiding from relationships because of fear of going down that road again. He's done a lot of work on himself and is thinking maybe he's ready to take a risk and begin dating again. With all of the work he's done he now thinks he knows what he is looking for in a woman.

So the conversation we were having was about a couple different women that he has met. How they are different than "those other women" and other important things like that.

It all sounded pretty good to me but I know better than to get excited thinking he's figured "IT" all out. I know that learning comes in layers and is really a gradual process. He's going to make mistakes, that's just how it goes.

Then he begins to tell me about this first date he'd been on. One of the things he told this young woman is that his mother is a multiple. He laughed and said he figured if that didn't scare her off, she might be worth a second date.

I wasn't really sure how to take that revelation. I have to wonder what kind of effect my MPD had on my kids. Then he told me that he'd felt like we'd protected him from the "details" of my multiplicity. Although he'd been a small child at the time of my treatment, he really didn't feel that he'd noticed any "disturbances" or so to speak.

Actually, I was quite surprised to hear that he felt sheltered from my problems. I sure didn't feel like I had protected my children nearly enough. So I asked him if he remembered me flipping the six foot sleeper sofa across the living room with one hand. Yes, you read that right, I was at my limits and getting pushed well beyond them. I reached down and with my left hand (I am right handed BTW) and jerked up the sofa by the front corner and flipped it across the room. It rolled a** over tea kettle before it landed.

Both of my small children were in the room when this happened. Neither of them were hurt but everyone in the entire house was stunned. None of them as stunned as me. That was my wake-up call that I really needed to do some intensive rage work. I think I began my sculpting not long after that.

But now, as I asked my son this question, his eyes got big, his eyebrows raised but he smiled as he responded with a big inflection, "Oh.......Ya...........I remember!" Then he laughed.

I guess if that's the only reaction he has to what was a mortifying experience for me, I probably did a better job of protecting him from my craziness than I thought. I know I wasn't really crazy, but I really felt crazy and it's hard to believe that they didn't experience it the same way that I did. I am relieved to know that he did not.

I believe that multiples who are raising children may be as concerned about how their system is affecting their children, just as I was. So I thought this little story might add some needed perspective. I have to say, it sure has for me.


Lynn said...

I see you understand why I rage where I do (on blog and in stories). I have little ones and I am VERY conscious of how they might be perceiving things and it is VERY important to me that my babes feel safe and secure. Another thing I do, is if I get really worked up and ranting and raving into the ether is not enough, well that is a GREAT time to do a scrubby-type job like the showers, tubs or kitchen floor.
I guess we all find whatever ways work for us to keep our children protected from being involved in ways they shouldn't. I'm guessing there are many ways.

Since you have already been to my recent post and so many of your commentors are fellow survivors, I feel comfortable leaving my link here. I've been hesitant at most other places. No sense in 'inviting' people who probably can't understand. I find it interesting that you knew you needed to do some work with your rage and now you have grown children who do not seem to have been deeply effected by your struggles. I think it could be because you recognized your rage. It's usually the person who claims not to be angry who will yell or have unfortunate displays in front of their kids. There is no hope of directing things that are unacknowledged. I know this, and this is why I don't let the naive sensibilities of clueless others shame me into denying it when I am angry. Defending my right to have my feelings brings me closer to myself and there's nothing more 'sane' than that.

Good job, Mom RR. I love it when survivors' kids experience growth and are not left out of the little victories in life. None should be left out of the good things. :-)

jumpinginpuddles said...

we ahve five children under 11 and we wonder how they cope with our swiches our son whose the eldest is beginning ot notice more nad more we ar hoping the sooner we get healed the less impact it will have on his life although our decision to not intergrate we still stand by.

shade said...

Thank you,
I am very glad to know that our children can be protected from issues that drive us batty at times. It gives hope to us here.

Frazzled Farm Wife said...

I love that your son told his date that you were a multiple and decided if it didn't scare her away she was worth a second date....a smart one he is!

Rising Rainbow said...

lynn, you can bet that I know rage intimately. It's like an old friend who keeps me going when times get tough.

jip, I have chosen not to integrate as well and from the sounds of it, it hasn't impacted my two younnger children at all.

shade, I think there's lots to hope about!

frazzled farm wife, yes, I thought it was cool that he is so comfortable with it and he's right about it being a good test. lol

keepers said...

how our multiplicity affected our kids is a big one, but as you greatly pointed out, they have to make the effort to heal from whatever affect it did have on them. If it did have negative effects, it is up to them to work on it, we already worked on it and beat it, now it is their turn to accept the responsibility of their own healing.

peace and blessings


Enola said...

Great job. Thanks for reminding me that all I can do is my best at protecting my daughter. she is still a toddler so I have awhile yet before I see all the ways I've impacted her. I'm glad your son has found his way back from his wanderings. I find it humorous how he told his date "mom's a multiple" that is certainly one way to break the ice!

Marj aka Thriver said...

I do thank you for this post. I worry about how my "craziness" hinders my child all the time. I do manage to keep most of the really "out there" stuff from him.

I, too, find it very important to work out the rage in a healthy way so it does not sneak up on me and explode.

Rising Rainbow said...

keepers, I am glad that this post was helpful. It is so hard as a parent not to take on our children's issues. But to do so is not helpful to them or to us.

enola, your daughter is lucky you are interested in healing. She will get the opportunity to learn from you that it's ok to need help and to get it. Such a gift!

marj_aka_thriver, the example you are setting by getting help for your issues is important.

You're right about the anger and rage, it's going to come out one way or another. It's definitely better to be doing it in a productive way.

MultiMe said...

I'm lucky in that my daughter was 18 when I realized I was multiple. I've talked to her about it since then, and she got thoughtful and asked about a couple of instances when an alter might have been out, which I confirmed. Now she's off at college, and it's only an issue when she's home. I got the easy path.