At lot of years ago, my sister was having the whole family over for the holidays. It was the first time ever for her to be the one cooking etc for the holiday tradition. It was a big deal to her.
Right about that time was when I first started the therapy that related to my sexual abuse by our older brother. When my sister called to invite us to her home for the holiday, I asked her if my brother was coming. When she answered yes, I told her that I would not come because I didn't want to deal with him.
I knew that he would touch me and I didn't want to be in the same room with him, let alone have him touch me and I explained that to me sister. Telling her that I would confront him about his behavior if he wouldn't leave me alone. She told me that wouldn't be a problem and that my family and I should come.
Well, it was a problem. My brother did just as I had predicted he would. He came up and put his arms around me and tried to kiss me. When I asked him to leave me alone and keep his hands to himself, he kept insisting and wanted to know what my problem was. Even when I tried to get him to leave me alone, telling him this was not the time or place to discuss it, he kept insisting.
So I took him outside and told him what my problem with him was. He did the usual denying and manipulating. Trying to make it all my fault. But that wasn't the real problem. It was my sister.
She was furious with me for saying anything at all. Even though I had told her that I could no longer deal with his intrusions into my space and that I would confront him if he insisted, she felt it was my fault. I had ruined her very first Christmas dinner.
Months later she moved into a new home with her boyfriend. They had a huge open house to which all of the family was invited. Everyone, that is, except me. I was not invited because I am a trouble maker. The child molesting brother was there but not the victim.
It's probably been twenty-five years since this happened and my sister still has not "forgiven" me. Recently my youngest brother tried to get me to patch things up with her telling me she had a point to why her feelings were hurt. I told him that she is no more offended by this than I am. To her keeping up appearances is more important than protecting victims from offenders. She doesn't care about my feelings at all, only about how it looked at her dinner party. What type of family is it that believes keeping up appearances is more important than protecting others from inappropriate behaviors? As long as she chooses appearances over feelings, I want nothing to do with her.
My little brother asked me if I still loved my sister to which I answered yes. But I told him, being around those people with their backwards set of rules is so destructive there is no way I will ever go back there. Living by those standards nearly destroyed me. As long as she, and my other siblings, chose to live by those double standards we were raised with, I want no part of them.
I don't regret my decision. The behavior of my siblings at my mother's funeral confirmed that we are worlds apart. People are more important to me than anything. Controlling and manipulating and making sure no one gets out of line is what is important to them. It was so clear how toxic my family is that I was really glad that I went. Their behavior confirmed that I had made the right decision.
multiple personality disorder MPD dissociative Identity disorder did