Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Thoughts on a Blogger's Secret........

I posted on my horse blog about the loss of one of my blogging friends. I guess I posted about it there because most knew her as a horse blogger but my relationship with her spread over to this blog. There was an unspoken connection between the two of us rooted in childhood abuse.

She never shared her story with me. With family rules about keeping the secret firmly in place, she believed that talking was not the way free of the burden she carried. I'd hoped that by reading here she might learn another way. That was just not to be the case.

It became apparent to me over the last couple of years she was struggling with a deep dark depression. Things happened in her life that fed the growing darkness that consumed her. I made every gesture I could think of trying to extend a helping hand but she just could not bring herself to reach out She retreated from blogging and swallowed everything down.

We were supposed to meet when I made my trip to Tulsa last year. That didn't happen because she had major surgery right before my trip making her unable to mobilize enough to come my direction. She'd hoped to get someone to bring her but that didn't happen either. It was with a heavy heart I left Tulsa not having gotten the opportunity to meet her face to face.

She'd told me of all the bloggers she'd met, I was the one she most wanted to meet. I suspected the reason for that was the connection we formed here, through this blog. She was undaunted by the depth of my abuse while many untreated victims would run fast and furiously the other direction. I had hopes that connection and a good one on one experience might help her find a door to escape from the chains that had her so tightly caught.

Her last post made a few weeks before her death clearly indicated she was struggling even more. The last words have haunted me from the day I first read them. We made another date to meet in Tulsa in 2011. She consoled my about my lawsuit woes and she was so excited about the possibility of a do over in Tulsa I thought maybe things were better. I hoped that touching base in between would be some kind of help in any time of need.

I have thought about her often. Then Sunday morning I got an email from another blogger whose a regular reader of her blog. In the subject line was just her name. Immediately my heart sank. I feared she was dead. That is exactly what it turned out to be although the other blogger didn't tell me, just directed me to her blog where a comment was posted by a family member telling the world of her "passing on July 18."

I know no details about what happened to my friend. All I know is that she is dead and what I feel. I suspect suicide might be the culprit. I feel like I let her down. My heart breaks for this woman I have never met face to face but who has deeply touched my soul.

I will always wonder about the secret that trapped her. I will always wonder about the tragic murder of a family member early last year that pushed her farther over the edge. I will always wonder if I could have/should have done more. although I can't even imagine what "more" might have been.

The world lost a good one the day my friend died. There just are not enough people like her in this world.


Lynx217 said...

there is only so much you can do hon, no matter how much you might want to help them. you were a dear friend to her and that surely kept her alive as long as she was. I know it's of little comfort but you did what you could. huggles

Anonymous said...


Grace said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

Reflections said...

I am truly sorry for your loss...

Know that all we can do is offer a hand, but unless our friends are willing to take our hand, there is little else we can do for them.

We must each face our demons in our own way and in our own time. I am sure that your reaching out, whether she reached back or not, somehow touched/helped her through her struggles.

TinaM said...

I'm so sorry you have lost a friend like this.

You did all you could, don't ever think otherwise.
As you said, she was struggling with something dark, that she couldn't get away from.
Even though she could never release that information, I'm sure that your presence in her life was a comfort. You must have made it better and made her feel less alone with whatever she was battling.

Kahless said...

In reading your words, I really feel a strong sense of your sadness and loss.

I am so sorry.