Friday, April 9, 2010

Remembering

I've mentioned before that I was married to a batterer, not once but twice. Each of my first two husband's had problems, huge problems, with anger. Having chosen that type of man to trust is the reason I sought out therapy in the first place, wanting to know what it was about me that caused me to make such decisions.

Those years of being afraid for my life are long since over. However, recently one of the soap operas I sometimes watch has run a story line of teen battery. A couple of weeks ago I watched a scene that I had to turn off it so struck a cord with me.

The teen age girl was being assaulted by her boyfriend in a scene so realistic it brought tears to my eyes and fear to my heart. For the first time in many years I relived the terror of those days when I thought I was going to die at the hands of my then husband.

My reaction to this scene caught me off guard. My heart began to pound as fear immobilized me just like it used to back during those days. I felt trapped when all I needed to do to escape was change the channel. I had to get my now husband, Dave, to do that for me.

Since that episode aired I have been drawn to that story line. Each scene tugs at my heart strings as a part of me experiences feelings from so long ago. While the circumstances are very different, the feelings are the same. I remember the feeling of a neck tie or a phone cord around my neck strangling the life out of me as I tried to push my attacker off. I remember the family and friends of the attacker blaming the abuse on me. I remember the humiliation. I remember believing it was my fault.

I remember stuffing all those feelings in a box and putting them away so I didn't have to feel. Putting things on a shelf somewhere was the only way I could survive. It was the only way to prevent a repeat performance before the man had time to settle. Episodes too close together could easily have resulted in my death.

Now, Pandora's box has been opened and those old feelings have spilled out to never be contained again. I will no longer be a victim of fear whether it be fear of those feelings or fear of repercussions because I dared tell. Instead I find myself processing these old things from nearly forty years ago and finally healing up the wounds.

The memories flash before me like a slide show of horror. Again I am surprised at all the things I have lived but never felt because of the coping mechanism that is MPD/DID.

I am grateful that today my healing process does not take the time it did those twenty years ago so that when I now feel these things the horror is only fleeting. The self-loathing and contempt nothing more than a hiccup as my new perception of me holds strong. I am a survivor worthy of a better life. Still I cannot help but be touched by this reminder of what I have survived and the things that MPD/DID saved me from.

8 comments:

English Rider said...

Self-analysis is a huge strength

Ivory said...

You have really come a long way to recognize all this and to see that you are strong. The one thing I whole heartedly agree with is that you deserve a better life. Good for you!

Collette said...

I am glad you are able to start facing these fears & move on. It is a very big step! (((HUGS)))

wendy said...

That was a good post. WOW, that is so sad to learn the abuse you suffered. I can't even imagine.
But I am happy that you are facing your fears --present and past--head on.
that is not an easy thing to do

Labyrinth said...

I'm so glad you're not in that abusive situation anymore; I do understand how unexpected scenes can so trigger us even though we've left them behind.

Thanks for your post; I have never been badly battered over a period of time, but I do know what it means to have my head shoved against a metal barn wall and threatened. That was enough. Scared the crap out of me.

I'm really sorry for what you had to go through.

Donna said...

You do deserve a better life, and you made one for yourself. Be proud, so very proud of what you've accomplished.

Victoria 1st said...

http://peoplepersonalitiesparts.blogspot.com/

I can identify with "pandora's box." I do not have DID / MPD but have 'parts' that act very much the same as personalities or identities. There is a new theraputic approach called IFS that deals with multiplicity in people that is not full blown DID/MPD. I'm just starting down this path. I found a part that litterally holds pandora's box. Her entire job is to regulate the contents of that box. I can't open it... I keep putting more an more barriers against it to hide it further and further away. I hope that those boxes get easier and easier to sort out. I would appriciate any help you can give me on my blog.

http://peoplepersonalitiesparts.blogspot.com/

lindaandtherestofus said...

very inspired by this. I have my own blog about my experiences with did, as does my best friend who has it too. we're trying to develop a network of those of us "lucky" enough to have multiple personalities, your posts are encouraging and have a very optimistic note something i haven't learned to do yet. kudos! would love to hear back from you