Monday, April 19, 2010

A Little on Why...........

To say I've been consumed with the FB commenter I wrote about in
My Own Questions for a Change.......... would be a big overstatement but I have been thinking about it a lot. While it makes sense to me in the context of how it fits into my current dilemma, that's not the only reason it affects me.

I have known this commenter and her mother since the young woman was a teenager. They were among my first friends made at horse shows even though their mother/daughter relationship was stormy and abusive. Newly "graduated" from therapy I felt I had the skills to maintain proper boundaries while still having a relationship with these two people and I thought maybe I could help out the daughter in some way.

I guess in a way I did help the daughter in those early days. My arrival during a altercation between the two could cool things a little. Sometimes I even managed to mediate although I doubt either of them realized I was even attempting this. My help was subtle for sure. I didn't want to push anyone's buttons or make them feel defensive.

That relationship has maintained over twenty years. The young woman is in her thirties and now has children of her own. I might add she treats them in the same manner her mother treated her. It's been sad to see and I've even called her on it a few times. I'd hope our friendship over the years might affect this. It obviously didn't.

I tried to help her get started in horse training a few years back and it bit me.....and bit me good. Some horses of mine were mistreated. It was not good. I tried to speak with her about these things and she shrugged them off, copping out to having a meltdown on one situation and taking no responsibility for any of her actions.

Because her mother and I were friends,I thought I could put those things behind me and still maintain our friendly relationship. That, however, has not been the case although there was a pretense of friendship from them for a while.

I guess the point of all of this for me is I've come to the realization that the energy I'm putting into the FB communication has to do with grieving the loss of those relationships. Even though obviously they never really were what I thought them to be, getting to the point of understanding that has been part of this process as I mulled things over and over finding my way.

The time I spend "feeling" and thinking about this, is necessary to put this thing to rest. I am hurt by their betrayal and those feelings need to be resolved.

I'm not particularly fond of the processing involved. On one hand I think they're not worthy of my time. On the other I can't deny the hurt I feel and it tells me I'm not where I need to be yet. There's still work to do but I'm getting closer.

It doesn't help that it's wound up with the other situation. There are parallels in both and the two parties have joined forces to discredit me. I know in the long run the truth will win out but that doesn't change the amount of betrayal I feel at the hands of both, nor the damage they are currently doing to my reputation.

It wasn't just that this guy undermined my self esteem, he undermined my business as well. I made business decisions based on his contractual obligation to me that I would not have made otherwise. When he knowingly defaulted, it affected the success of those business plan decisions and goals. I'm just beginning to realize the damage caused by that breech of contract.

Then he's out there spreading his lies that I'm the one not honoring the contract. That young woman and her mother are taking every advantage to take pot shots at me under the guise of supporting this man while really trying to hide their own wrong doing.

I probably would be at the place I'm ready to put the young woman and her mother behind me, if she wasn't so enmeshed in the current situation. That's not going to be resolved any time soon and every time something "new" happens, the whole thing gets stirred up over again and I'm as angry with the whole slew of them.

I feel like I'm under attack no matter what I do and I'm getting tired. Even though I know I can't control what they do, it still frustrates me that my good intentions have gotten me into this mess and that some people will believe what they say despite my ethics.

It's that whole "life is not fair" thing. I have worked hard at being a good person in all avenues of my life and to have my reputation stomped on by those with little regard for anything but themselves really irks me. I know it doesn't matter that it's not fair. Life just is what it is........... but that makes me mad too.

There are so many levels of betrayal in this mess. It's not wonder I'm struggling my way through. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time to get myself through.


katie said...

hi rainbow~ i read a few of your posts just now trying to understand a bit about your situation. i'm sorry you're finding out that some long-time relationships are like this. it sounds very difficult.

i don't have much to say besides offering my sympathy. but one other thing, i was reminded of that rudyard kipling poem, if, when reading this post in particular. do you know that poem?

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!


:) of course i think this applies to women too. but this poem comforts me when i feel like life has pulled the rug out from under me in major ways.

wishing you well~~~

Robynn's Ravings said...

Sorry you are in a difficult place right now in this relationship. It's so hard to know what's worth fighting for and what's better to let go. I've had to walk away from a few friend relationships in my life. One I have NEVER regretted and was one of the healthiest decisions I've ever made.

The other I can see my own mistakes, as well as my friend's, yet it was best at the time.

I hope you are able to work through this and decide what the best solution is to take care of yourself.

Stephanie said...

I am sorry you having a hard time, but I wanted to tell you how much I enjoy it when you stop by my blog - it really brightens my day.

I understand what you mean about those kinds of relationships - sometimes they become so toxic that instead of hashing things out - it's better to just let it go. I have had to let a few relations like that of mine go in past and the first time you do it is hard, but then you see the benefit of letting it go and you get smarter about friendship and relationships from it. Next time it's not so hard. And it's not a mean thing to say "hey we need to now be friends anymore" you're not saying "I hate you!" you just saying things have changed and as soon as you - go your own separate ways. There may be some hurt feelings on the other end - but those too will fade with time and maybe they will learn from the experience.


jumpinginpuddles said...

man i think anyone would be struggling with all the crap youre going through, sorry we havent been in contact i gfet home when youre in bed its a struggle but this weekend we are home so fingers crossed we can connect on our sunday or monday which is your sat or sunday

I miss our chats also

TinaM said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

I have only read a few of your post so far, and I know I could just sit here and read for ever!
I had to comment on this one though.
In the link to the other post about this woman, you said "How do you deal with someone who fights dirty?" WELL, there are only 2 ways. You fight dirty back, or you don't fight them at all... From the tiny bit I can tell about you, fighting dirty is not your thing :) You seem to be a good person and this is not your answer. So your only option is to not fight the fight at all. It is not worth it.

She doesn't care about the 20 year friendship, and even though it's hard, you can't either. You have to let it go, I would say cut all ties. You can't help those who don't want help, and it sounds like she doesn't want it.

As far as the man and the business? I don't really get what's going on, but just be honest and don't stoop to their level. Good Luck!!!