To say I've been consumed with the FB commenter I wrote about in
My Own Questions for a Change.......... would be a big overstatement but I have been thinking about it a lot. While it makes sense to me in the context of how it fits into my current dilemma, that's not the only reason it affects me.
I have known this commenter and her mother since the young woman was a teenager. They were among my first friends made at horse shows even though their mother/daughter relationship was stormy and abusive. Newly "graduated" from therapy I felt I had the skills to maintain proper boundaries while still having a relationship with these two people and I thought maybe I could help out the daughter in some way.
I guess in a way I did help the daughter in those early days. My arrival during a altercation between the two could cool things a little. Sometimes I even managed to mediate although I doubt either of them realized I was even attempting this. My help was subtle for sure. I didn't want to push anyone's buttons or make them feel defensive.
That relationship has maintained over twenty years. The young woman is in her thirties and now has children of her own. I might add she treats them in the same manner her mother treated her. It's been sad to see and I've even called her on it a few times. I'd hope our friendship over the years might affect this. It obviously didn't.
I tried to help her get started in horse training a few years back and it bit me.....and bit me good. Some horses of mine were mistreated. It was not good. I tried to speak with her about these things and she shrugged them off, copping out to having a meltdown on one situation and taking no responsibility for any of her actions.
Because her mother and I were friends,I thought I could put those things behind me and still maintain our friendly relationship. That, however, has not been the case although there was a pretense of friendship from them for a while.
I guess the point of all of this for me is I've come to the realization that the energy I'm putting into the FB communication has to do with grieving the loss of those relationships. Even though obviously they never really were what I thought them to be, getting to the point of understanding that has been part of this process as I mulled things over and over finding my way.
The time I spend "feeling" and thinking about this, is necessary to put this thing to rest. I am hurt by their betrayal and those feelings need to be resolved.
I'm not particularly fond of the processing involved. On one hand I think they're not worthy of my time. On the other I can't deny the hurt I feel and it tells me I'm not where I need to be yet. There's still work to do but I'm getting closer.
It doesn't help that it's wound up with the other situation. There are parallels in both and the two parties have joined forces to discredit me. I know in the long run the truth will win out but that doesn't change the amount of betrayal I feel at the hands of both, nor the damage they are currently doing to my reputation.
It wasn't just that this guy undermined my self esteem, he undermined my business as well. I made business decisions based on his contractual obligation to me that I would not have made otherwise. When he knowingly defaulted, it affected the success of those business plan decisions and goals. I'm just beginning to realize the damage caused by that breech of contract.
Then he's out there spreading his lies that I'm the one not honoring the contract. That young woman and her mother are taking every advantage to take pot shots at me under the guise of supporting this man while really trying to hide their own wrong doing.
I probably would be at the place I'm ready to put the young woman and her mother behind me, if she wasn't so enmeshed in the current situation. That's not going to be resolved any time soon and every time something "new" happens, the whole thing gets stirred up over again and I'm as angry with the whole slew of them.
I feel like I'm under attack no matter what I do and I'm getting tired. Even though I know I can't control what they do, it still frustrates me that my good intentions have gotten me into this mess and that some people will believe what they say despite my ethics.
It's that whole "life is not fair" thing. I have worked hard at being a good person in all avenues of my life and to have my reputation stomped on by those with little regard for anything but themselves really irks me. I know it doesn't matter that it's not fair. Life just is what it is........... but that makes me mad too.
There are so many levels of betrayal in this mess. It's not wonder I'm struggling my way through. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time to get myself through.