Sunday, January 17, 2010

What Is This?

I don't know if I've posted about this or not before, if I have I guess I must need to go down this road again. The last year and a half have been kind of rough around here. I've lost some friends and I feel alienated from a lot of people in the horse community. I'm also having some issues with part of my family.

That may not seem like a big deal but it's affected my sense of well being. I find myself looking over my shoulder and wondering whose saying what about me. It's not a good place to be.

I've tried to look at this and figure out why this is happening. I've been involved in this industry for twenty or so years now and this kind of crab is new to that experience. Why is this all happening now? What has changed? Have I changed?

Well, I think I have changed since this stuff has started happening. That's for sure. But is it a change in me that caused it to happen. I don't think so.

The common thread in all of this is the "source" of this information that has changed how I see those people around me..............from my family members to business associates. These things I have not experienced first hand as much as I have been told about them. All of them have been negative perceptions of me by other people. For example, I've been told "they" call me the crazy lady from Graham.

There have been a couple of experiences that have been first hand but those things might just be explained as a reaction to what they might have been told I said. Just as I have reacted to what I was told. Does that make sense?? In other words, I'm beginning to think that maybe this source has been actively involved in stirring the pot so to speak.

Now I find myself wondering if this information is accurate and if I should really trust it. It has certainly turned my world upside down.

I can only guess why this source has put the effort into making sure I get this information he/she has to share. I hate to assume anything. But it's gotten to the place that I really am not sure that I should trust this source at all. It is possible that these things I have heard are not true or are an exaggeration. Either way, they have been a destructive force in my life. I need to figure out what to do. Who can I trust? And are my new found perceptions valid? What a mess!

I sure could use some help sorting this thing out....................

5 comments:

Donna said...

I don't have to tell you that the horse show world, indeed, the horse world period, is very political and full of cliques. This keeps me wondering if I ever want to compete, and you are competing at such a high level. Honestly I think this has a lot to do with the fact that the horse world is ruled by women. I don't know what to say about your situation...I know how difficult it is to ignore the things that are being said about you, I would rather not know and just go about my business. My thoughts continue to be with you.

jumpinginpuddles said...

we are home all day tomorrow we will call you if you are home we hope so:)

Rising Rainbow said...

Donna, I have to laugh just a bit about the comment about women. My "source" is a man but there is a woman behind him that's for sure. I'm beginning to think the things I have been told may not be the truth or have been ellaborate to such an extent the truth is barely visible.......... a little stirring of the pot.

I need to know if what I'm being told is real or if he is really at the root of thngs. I can control me.......his behavior I cannot. I can, however, control my contact with him.

I have been in the horse world for twenty years but it is only since I began this particular relationship that I have had these "problems" I am told about.

I had a situation like this a few years back. It turned out there was one person at the root of it. Distancing myself from that person stopped the chaos surrounding me.

JIP, I really need to visit my sick friend today. I am not sure when I will get that done. I want Dave to take me so I must consult him for a time. Once I know that, I will post here or send email.

Kahless said...

MiKael,

Something or someone has sucked your energy and confidence. You are certainly less self assured - it seems to me - than you were 2 years ago.

I cant help but think that you should proceed based on fact, not hearsay or assumptions. Human communication is so often mistaken dont you think?

{{{MiKael}}}

katie said...

i can certainly relate to being confused about what is real and what is our perception. there have been times where i have been somewhat paranoid, but that was my own fear and it turned out my perceptions were not accurate.

and there have also been times i was subjected to the actions and words of a manipulative person and that made me doubt myself and wonder if i was crazy. when really, i just needed to get away from that person.

do you have other people you can trust who are safe that you could reality check with?

or maybe getting some distance from that person would help you see things more clearly?

confusion and feeling alienated and not sure who you can trust can be such a scary place to be. i'm sorry you're going through this and i hope things get better for you soon.

wishing you peace~