Monday, November 9, 2009

Invisible

It was the strangest experience being gone for that long and by myself most of the time. I hate being alone and I was resigned to that. However, I just hadn't expected the internal reaction I got from being surrounded by people yet still very much alone.

With nearly two thousand horses at this show there were plenty of people around me. It was hard to go anywhere without bumping into folks. Yet with the focus as intense as it can be at a national horse show , they were pretty involved with doing their own thing. Even those people I knew were mere passing blips on the radar for some kind of human connection. The people I was stabled with were kind but not friendly. My only interactions with them were pretty much at my instigation and brief. It was a solitary and uncomfortable time.

Fortunately I had lots to do. With three horses to care for just the maintenance work could take most of the day. Add in schooling times and unexpected "issues" surrounding the horses and there really wasn't even much time to watch classes.

I had hoped to see more of the national championships. I love watching classes at horse show. However, even that activity is something more enjoyable shared with a friend. When I did get the opportunity I was painfully aware of the difference partaking in this activity by myself.

Cleaning stalls has always been a reflective time for me. I'm not sure in this particular situation that was a good thing. I spent many an hour keenly aware of my discomfort in a time that should have been gratifying. I found myself wondering if this dream as currently interpreted is what I really want after all.

Somewhere near the end of this experience it dawned on me the source of the agony I was experiencing. Even with people everywhere I was feeling invisible.

Being invisible can be a form of comfort to many who have experienced abuse. However, for me being invisible was a form of punishment. To be ignored in such a manner meant that I was unworthy to be alive......to breathe.........to love. These maybe old messages from a time long past but they still have a dark hold on me. That was clearly evidenced in the emotional roller coaster ride I took on this trip.

10 comments:

jumpinginpuddles said...

we also often feel invisible yet surrounded by people, but unlike you we like being alone, and have recently discovered that our system isnt coping with people anymore, wierd huh?

Rising Rainbow said...

What does not coping with people mean??

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I stumbled upon your blog and read some of your entries. Thank you for sharing your story. I admire your courage - I hope you keep writing and healing and at the same time educate those you can about sexual abuse.

jumpinginpuddles said...

see recent blog it explains it, people not meaning people who we have known for a long time

Battle Weary said...

Glad you are back...was getting a little worried because we didn't realize your trip was as long as it was!

Interesting about the invisibility issue. We are slowly overcoming the need to be invisible. Invisible was our place of safety, and the struggle to change that has been hard.

Rising Rainbow said...

JIP, thanks, I checked it out. Sorry that your having to deal with this crap. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just be "healed" and not have to struggle with this stuff anymore.

Wannabe, thanks for stopping by. Educating others about the damage of abuse will always be important to me.

Battle Weary, it felt even longer to me than it actually was, I think. LOL

Funny how invisibility can mean different things to different people.....even internal ones. I'm sure there were times I wanted to be invisible but I think those parts of me have healed. Now I find myself with this other issue with invisibility and it's the exact opposite of what I had before.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Even though I haven't seen you around the blogosphere for quite a while, I want you to know: I SEE YOU. I have very mixed feelings about being invisible. As a child I tried to wish myself invisible to avoid torture. One of my mantras was, "Nobody can see me." Now, I tend to isolate but hate feeling invisible and like I don't matter.

Take gentle care.

jumpinginpuddles said...

ive written a blog talking about this blog if you want ot see it and ill try and call early next week and hope to catch you

Kahless said...

I understood your post RR.

MultiMe said...

**Being invisible can be a form of comfort to many who have experienced abuse.**

One of my alters consistently seeks invisibility. She is fascinated by arabian headgear, such as the niqab and the burqa, that covers her face and encourages people to completely ignore her. Most of us are very social, so it's interesting to watch this play out.