Beware: Possible Triggers
Hiding in my bedroom closet,
Trembling to my toes.
Trying to keep my crying down
Muffled amid the hanging clothes.
She would hear the tell tale signs
And descend upon me there.
Ranting, raving, crazylike
With that cold and icy stare.
She'd beat my head against a wall
Then kick me where I fell.
Pound and kick and kick and pound.
I didn't hide too well!
I pleaded for protection
Not for me, I'd never dare,
But for the other children dying.
How could she, for them, not care?
She screamed that I was lying.
Making stories up, she said!
I'd do anything for attention!
It was all up in my head!
I didn't see those children die!
I didn't see the torture!
I didn't smell the burning flesh
Or hear their cries of horror!
How can it be? She saw it too!
I know she saw it too!
"Shut up!" she said, "You will shut up!
What must I do with you?"
"Kill you, if I must, I will!
I'll beat your head into the wall
Until you find the sense
To admit you've lied about it all!"
I prayed for the peace of blackness
My savior from times before.
If I can't be rescued from this life
At least let me not feel anymore!
And please don't let her kill me.
It's more than I could bear!
To be killed by my own mother
That is my greatest fear!
It's the worst of all rejections
And how defective must I be
If she wants to snuff me out
In her needing to be free?
Gradually, they fade away
The craziness....the pain....the fear.
I see myself down on the floor
From up behind my shoulder.
I've become a distant watcher
Disgusted with the child there!
How do you respect a self so
Helpless and filled with fear?
Finally, the blackness comes!
It brings with it relief!
No more conscious memories of her spite
That no one will believe!
When I awake, she's left me.
The room is black and still.
There is no blood, no torn clothes,
No signs, only what I feel.
The distant watcher's still along
Guiding what I think and do
Telling me that I've been bad.
It can't all be because of you.
She couldn't protect a murderer
So children must not have died!
It doesn't matter what you've done
Because it mattered that I lied!
The distant watcher's helping me
To identify who the culprits are.
My feelings, they have sold me out!
It can't be that she doesn't care!
She didn't let those children die.
I know that I have lied!
The distant watcher's protecting me
But how come I feel dead inside?
written January 1987