Monday, January 19, 2009

Thoughts as I Rummage through My Stuff

Today, I was digging through my journals, notebooks and stuff trying to get them in chronological order and refresh my memory a bit. During this process, I not only found a notebook full of poetry but the first hand- written chapter of my book.

As I read through the manuscript, I was struck by the amount of detail in those early memories. I guess with the passage of time I'd forgotten how vivid those memories actually where. Yet, that vividness is actually one of the reasons I knew this must be real.

The other thing that struck me was all the clues to me being a multiple. I certainly was not diagnosed until much later in my process. Even though I knew before the therapists had it figured out, I had no idea at the time these memories first began to surface. Yet looking back at these writings, the signs are definitely there.

Thoughts of False Memory Syndrome also went through my mind as I read my first chapter. It is the classic defense against Satanic Ritual Abuse. The main contention is that the memories have been planted by therapists. Yet reading over this surfacing of my first cult connected, what struck me was how opposite my realization happened from what those claiming FMS portray.

My first memories (and many others) didn't surface in a therapist's office at all. I didn't even go to her until a couple of months after I began triggering off things around me. Bit and pieces came up over that time in all kinds of different ways. I shared parts hysterically with my husband in the middle of the night. Other parts were triggered a friend's house. It was only after that I even told my therapist anything at all.

There's another thing that struck me about some of my writing. Parts of it seem to be disjointed. My training as a writer tells me those parts are not well written. Yet to me, they too are part of the clues that lead to me process. I'm debating between fixing them.........and leaving them as they are.

One thing is clear as I work getting things in order. I have really put this behind me. I do feel a sadness as I read over my journals and poetry but those feelings that comsumed me during this process are gone. For that I am grateful.


Kahless said...

I am pleased that you saw through your therapy.

Must be so strange to read your old journals and poems.

Robynn's Ravings said...

Hi Rising Rainbow....Thanks for stopping by my place today and for your comments.

I just read through some of your posts and can identify with many of your experiences. At some point I may speak to them on the blog with a recovery link now that I have come through and am on the other side of healing (though it's never gone). Humor has been my balm and I'm grateful God gave it to me. Come back by anytime if you need a lift of spirits. I try to keep it light but reserve the right to rant! :-)

Rising Rainbow said...

Kahless, me too, I would do it all again despite how difficult it was.

You are right about it being strange reading through those old journals and poems. In some ways I am very different now but other things are familiar to me.

Then there is a different perspective that I have today that I was nowhere near when I wrote those things. I've never really thought about how they would look to me today.

I knew I was in a bad place at the time but I had no idea of the intensity of my desperation. I guess it's probably a good thing, if I had maybe I would have given up or been successful in killing myself. But reading those old entries gives me a new respect for what I have been through and what I did to heal.

Hi Robynn, I suspected I might see you here if you visited one of my blogs. I saw the clues in your post that you understood the pain of an abusive childhood.

I'm glad that you have been able to heal. And you're so right about humor, it can really get us through a lot.......that and the critters help too. LOL

I use my other blogs to keep things light. This one needs to get down and dirty if it's going to help anyone still trying to get through this stuff. But sometimes its tough to dig around in the old memories.

As for ranting, LOL, I can do that on either blog! LOL Thanks for stopping by!

jumpinginpuddles said...

hmmm im thinking

Joy said...

I'm glad you came by my blog so I could find yours. So many of my loved ones, family members, friends and myself have struggled with mental and emotional disorders. So few "outsiders" seem to understand.

I hope with all my heart that you have continued healing and undertanding about your own personal journey. I'm glad I've found your blog(s).