Beginning of the Introduction
An excerpt from the following day in my journal read:
October 18, 1985
“My fear is that I will let my guard down and expose who I really am and the world will run from me in horror. That I will stand there naked and unprotected only to find that my heart was right after all. No one will want to be near me. I will have no friends. I will never know love!
With all of my defenses gone, how will I survive? The prospect terrifies me. How can I continue to reveal the secrets of my soul? I can handle the pain; it is the uncertainty that is killing me! If I cannot get through to my own mother, how can I expect to be loved by strangers? WHO am I, after all?
I know the child I was died way too soon. Where did that death leave me? Will I ever quit mourning? Will I ever be whole? Will I ever learn to trust myself? Will there ever be a day when I am not frightened by me?”
I had no idea how prophetic these passages were. There were many unnoticed clues of what lay ahead. I was dealing with incest and it was all I allowed myself to see. Looking back, those first months were relatively easy, compared to the other survivors I saw. I worked through the incest in six months, maybe less and I was amazed. I almost felt like I could fly!
My night terrors stopped. I confronted my molestor brother. I found new confidence. I even managed the courage to confront my mother for tying and gagging my son when he was two. She was no longer speaking to me but I found a sense of safety in that. I could actually live without her approval. I would have been on top of the world but I knew I was not finished.
Hidden deep inside of me there was this part that I can only describe as being like a wounded cornered animal. I had seen it emerge only a couple of times, however, somehow it seemed very familiar to me. The intensity of its defensiveness was frightening and the extent I would go to protect myself was horrifying to me. I knew I would never be healthy as long as the beast was hidden away inside the confines of my mind.
This was to be the final leg of my journey. I was committed to finding the answers to the origin of this creature. I began asking myself all kinds of questions searching for any clues leading to the origin and history of this thing. I began probing the blank spots in my memory sure they must hold clues.
I used to have a friend who always said, “You are only as sick as your secrets!” I totally understood this concept and I was determined that my secrets would no longer rule my life.
Little did I know this course would plunge me into the depths of the abyss; that every essences and fiber within my being would be challenged. All of the wellness I had attained in dealing with the incest memories would be tested to its ultimate endurance. I had only begun laying the groundwork for the battle of my life.
I was harboring a fear that would rather see me dead than tell my secrets. That fear and I would do battle many times and I was never completely sure who would win. I was led by blind faith in some force in me I had never before experienced. Yet, I wasn’t eve sure I had any faith at all! I only knew that I was DRIVEN to be “GOOD!”
In the context of this project, this is what I have written so far. Other than an outline that includes a brief snyopsis on each chapter and a "Final Chapter" that was written as imagery for the children.
Looking at those chapters I realize with the perspective of time that I left out some important parts. I worked those parts in my process but I think I chose not to expose them to the review of someone who might reject the project, or worse yet, someone who might be able to identify the significance of my position and training.
For me that means I'll be refreshing my memories of this process before I begin on the manuscript again. Along the way, I will post more of my journal entries if my readers think that information will be helpful to them.
I know some of you are involved in your own journeys and others of you are trying to learn more about the ramifications of the abuse of children and still others are trying to help those victims recovering from ritual abuse. If you have questions along the way, I am always open to them.
I'd also like to remind my readers that these entries are where I was emotionally twenty some odd years ago. I REALLY have healed from this devestation. It REALLY is possible to be free.