Saturday night I had an awful night trying to sleep. While I used to always have problems sleeping, I haven't been plagued with sleep issues for a while. It's been not only nice, but a real relief, to be able to go to bed at night and actually get some sleep. So Saturday night's change from that now normal routine was neither welcomed nor appreciated.
I'm not even sure why but as I struggled with sleep, I couldn't help but reflect on those former sleepless nights of mine.I thought I had posted in some detail about them here but in looking back through the archives I find that's not the case. Maybe a little bit of history is important before I go on with Saturday night's issues.
I have always had problems with sleep. Most of my life I have lain in bed at night trying to shut my mind off to go to sleep. Most every attempt to change this pattern has been unsuccessful other than the use of hypnosis. That was successful for some years but therapy is what really did the trick for me.
Before that time, I would struggle to sleep until the sun began to rise. Once the sun was chasing the darkness I could fall straight away to sleep. I have been that way as long as I could remember. And truthfully it was more about the end of the "witching hour" or what some part of my mind considers that to be........anytime after dark until about 4:30 AM were the magical numbers for me.
It wasn't until therapy and the emergence of these memories So What Did Ritualistic Abuse Mean to Me, a Victim? that I began to see a reason for my sleeplessness. It certainly made sense that my system was on high alert during those dangerous hours. So many times I had been snatched from my childhood bed and dragged off for rituals or other madness. Why would anyone feel comfortable sleeping under such circumstances?
Since that discovery and my release from those powers over me, I have had little if any trouble sleeping. Sure there has been a occasional night when I had too much stress and I allowed myself to get bogged down where sleep would not come. But I have found when that happens usually getting up for a brief stint on the computer allows me to fall back to sleep.
That has been pretty much the case until Saturday night.
What made Saturday different was the pain that accompanied and maybe caused my sleeplessness. It wasn't just the pain I have been experiencing from my recent surgery, I had pain all over my entire body. Some was concentrated in my joints.......all of my joints. It seemed like no part of me was exempt from hurting.
I could no find a position to get more comfortable. There was absolutely no relief. And my usual comforting weight of covers was actually making things worse.
As I lay there tossing and turning, I found myself remembering the torture that had caused that kind of pain in my joints. That led me to thinking this might very well be old Body Memories Then when that witching hour arrived the pain stopped. I easily dropped off to sleep. I couldn't help but wonder what had triggered this in me.
That brings to mind another thing I have recently noticed. As the time nears for me to turn 62, I am aware I tried to skip the age of 61 just as many years ago I managed to skip out on old programming by never being 27 by telling myself and others that I was 28. With as determined as I seem to have been to NOT be 61 this year and understanding what I did in the past, I can't help but think this current age issue is cult related. I have to wonder what plan there was for me this year what programming I have circumvented...........
Then there are more questions. Are these body memories? Was this a little reminder of the consequences for allegiance not honored? I can only wonder because in all honestly, I do not REALLY want to know? I would just as soon this stuff just leave me alone forever and a day...........but looking back it would certainly be an explanation for this very difficult year. I have not experienced this much "trouble" within my system since my therapy.
I have tried to find other reasons. A different explanation might be things had been stirred up since my mother's death. However, that happened a whole year before so that explanation won't hold water. I could blame it on the book but I have not worked on the book so there are not memories popping up because of that. And then there was my resolution to get the book finished in that year, it really was my intention and I am not know for putting such important things off to this extent......a little procrastination maybe.........but certainly not out and out avoidance. So instead of finding reasons to believe it's me, I find myself thinking it is related to that old programming. Looking at the dates, it very much has been since my last birthday that I have struggled.
I do know that there were important plans for me. It may well be those were to have happened when I turned 61. I guess there are no real surprises. I have known all along because I chose not to work through everything, I would have things come up. But that's ok, one miserable sleepless night isn't going to change my outlook or the way I live my life. I slept just fine on Sunday...........and I look forward to many more of the same.