We humans are a silly lot. We think we can control way more things than we really can. Then we hold it against ourselves or others when it doesn't work out. We want better for ourselves and family but may not be able to figure out how to accomplish that.
We do what we know. We are a direct product of our history learning from the things we are exposed to over our lifetime. Especially as children, we soak up the examples of our parents and other significant figures around us whether we like their behaviors or not.
Even though we may not like the way we were raised and have vowed not to be like that, there are aspects of that behavior we cling to because they are comfortable. We don't really understand how the things we have embraced feed into the ones we want to reject.
Then when stressed we do what we have learned even though it may not be what is best for us or the situation. It may or may not be as abusive as we remember but it will be destructive none the less. Then we wonder why in the heck that happened.
It's simple really. As I said before, we know what we know. We are limited to that. We can only do what we know how to do. If we want to do differently we must "learn" different skills.
Just believing that "It'll Never Happen to Me" does not work. That's why Claudia Black wrote that darn book trying to guide us towards "learning" new skills and away from old destructive ones. First we need to recognize what those games are all about. Then we have to find new ways to replace them and practice, practice, practice so when stressful times come we have something to rely on.
If we want to shed the old family dynamics we must get rid of ALL of those old family rules. We cannot hang onto the one's we think work for us. We must establish new boundaries and enforce them even though it feels hard, awkward and uncomfortable and that destructive family fights us tooth and nail.
It is not an easy journey. That is why they call it The Road Less Travelled (by Robert Peck) It is a painful journey with lots of winding bumpy roads and more than it's share of tears. But the only way to truly break through and live the life we dream of is to travel this road each painful step.
Dealing with the upset family members who claim we are responsible for their feelings is a part of this test. It can not be accomplished without sticking to the plan and standing up for ourselves. Believing it is just easier to go the course we know leaves us stuck in the pain we claim we wish to leave.
Sure, we're going to falter along the way and take steps backwards. We'll acquiesce when we don't want to because we didn't have the strength at the time. That is all a part of the journey. We must accept that and not defame ourselves because of perceived weakness. It is about honoring ourselves and believing no matter how bumpy the journey.