I recently received an email asking my why I had chosen to not work through some of my old programming. I want to make it clear that was never the case. I have worked through my programming very effectively. What I have chosen NOT to do is integrate.
There are still many parts of me where feelings and memories are walled off. That does not mean that those parts are governed by old programming. The nature of my system is such we were able to release the controlling buttons of the cult while not "remembering" each and every atrocity perpetuated on us by those evil persons.
In our journey to get free of them we went in search of the "key," the one thing that had convinced our system that we were indeed evil and just like them. Upon finding that key, we discovered it was just another trick. At the very moment the realization dawned on us this horrible thing was NOT of our doing, but theirs, we finally believed we were never evil at all.
That ephiphany washed over our entire system. A great dark cloud was lifted and we have never seen nor felt that cloud again. We no longer suffer from garbage feelings, nor do we feel we don't have the right to breathe........all those things left and our whole world changed.
There were a few loose ends that we had to clean up before we stopped therapy. We had battered parts exposed that needed some resolution and we took care of that. But we also had many, many more parts whose stories had not been told. We understood the gist of their stories, it was the pain that would go along with the reliving of those stories we chose to avoid.
For all intents and purposes the discovery of that key was the end of the Satanists' hold on us. Why should we continue this horrible journey? It was decided by us with the approval of our therapist that there was no longer any point in looking back. It was time to look forward to the future and live our life for us instead of having it dictated by our past.
We have so many parts that still hold memories......but not really secrets. Do you understand the difference? We may not know what their stories are but we completely understand the evil and the purpose of that evil.
We just didn't see what purpose there might be to subjecting ourselves to the lifetime it would take to open up all of those compartments.
If something gets triggered (which happened late last year), we work with it. Otherwise we live for us. If those inner children cry, we know what to do to care for them. We are capable of nurturing those inner parts when need be. We do not need more memories to understand the horror of the cult or what it did to control us.
While it might be true that continuing this journey would lead to integration, we saw nor see any reason that should be necessary. We are a very high functioning system. We are highly successful at whatever we decide to do. We do not loose time and we have complete acceptance of our parts. What we have to gain from integration just does not balance out with all the pain that we would have to endure.
If you read this blog regularly, it is obvious we struggle from time to time. But we do not struggle anymore than "normal people." Life can be hard sometimes, that's all there is to it. We have the skills to get through whatever life throws our way and we do it. So why should we put our self through all of that pain and miss the time we get to use living our life?
PS. For those who are wondering about our flooding. The waters are receding and we have some clean-up work to do. Thankfully, the raging creek did not take over our home or barns. We did get so much rain and melting snow that we ended up with some wet stalls but they will dry out in a few days and so will the horses. We are very fortunate.........many, many people were not so fortunate. Thanks for all the prayers. They are appreciated.