Monday, October 6, 2008

Another Betrayal

It looks like as long as I'm anywhere near my daughter in the horse industry that there's going to be problems. I thought that by distancing myself from her and getting she and my granddaughter started on their own path with horses that would smooth things out between us. However, that hasn't happened. It seems that I am still a target as far as my daughter is concerned.

I recently traded a horse for training with one of my friends. My sweet daughter (pardon my sarcasm) saw fit to tell my friend that he was being brave taking on such an arrangement with me. My friend was greatly taken back by my daughter's lack of respect for me and let her know that he enjoys our working relationship.

I would like to say that I wasn't surprised by my daughter's comment. However, that wouldn't be the truth. It punched me in the gut. It's clear that the walls I've installed to distance myself from her are neither high enough nor thick enough. I'm going to have to put more distance between us. I just cannot take the devastation I feel by such words from my own child. Her lack of loyalty not to mention her pettiness burns me to my soul.

As if that isn't enough, I told my husband about the occurrence. He said he wondered what she meant by that. When I told him I thought she was inferring that I am difficult to deal with instead of supporting me, he added his own two cents worth about me being difficult with him sometimes.

I'm not going to tell you that I am not difficult sometimes with my husband, because I am. But I will tell you my behavior is directly related to him not taking any responsibility for his behavior in this relationship. Sometimes my frustrations at his continued indifference to me does get the better of me. But my relationship with him does not and will not affect my relationship with any of my horse friends.

It's important to me to be fair in everything I do. I wish I could say the same for my daughter and my husband. Sometimes they cannot see fair because they are so caught up in themselves.

I called my husband on his support of my daughter and he did a lot of back peddling. (Something he's known for) He tried to make it sound like I misunderstood his intentions.

I have no idea what he was trying to say. All I heard was yet another betrayal by one of my family. I'm afraid all I can think about is building more walls and adding more distance. At this rate, I will be totally alone again except for my horses.

Sometimes I look at this mess and wonder how I got into it. But then I really know the answer to that. Being the only one who learns how to change and find a healthier way to live really doesn't work with those old relationships even when those relationships are immediate family. Being confronted and called on one's bad behavior looks like attacking to them.
But I am who I am, I cannot swallow those things down nor keep them to myself. Stepping up and calling a spade a spade is what I do best. It's almost instinctual anymore. I'm afraid that they are not appreciative of that side of me as I am not appreciative of their games.

I should have given up on these others changing a long time ago. That hope that they would come around by seeing how much better I am doing now has really been the hook that has kept me caught here with people who are incapable of having healthy relationships. I guess as long as I try to make this work I am just making myself a target.

To walk away from this right now would also mean to walk away from my dream. There is no way I can keep the horses and leave this relationship.So I keep hanging on hoping that somehow things will all work out. I sure hope that I'm not wrong about that. In the meantime I guess I'm going to be building more walls.


jumpinginpuddles said...

have read and are thinking of a response that is fitting for such a painful sad aching post, for our heart does go out to you knowing how much pain you are in

Frazzled Farm Wife said...

I feel bad that you have to build walls at all to feel safe but I have also done the same thing. My heart goes sucks to be betrayed by family members.

Enola said...

That is a downside to healing. Sometimes you run into people that don"t like the new & improved you - or who feel judged when you address their issues

~Vicki~ said...

wow you blog is amazing!!! i am thinking about doing a blog about my MPD but i havent' decided yet so am having a look at other blogs first :D :D xxx

little wanderer said...

it is so sad that you are having to build the walls, but I do know why you have to and you need to take care of you x

Marj aka Thriver said...

Wow, I've really been "out of the loop" lately and missed a lot. I've been reading your recent posts and catching up with your blog. Holy crap! I thought I had a lot going on to deal with lately.

I have to say, however, that it is in no way a "burden" to listen to you being very real here. It's more than okay with me, that's for sure. Know that I'm thinking of you and certainly understand what you mean about getting healthy and the people around you not being able to deal with it. Whew! Do I know what you mean.

That's okay, damn it! YOU being healthy should STILL be the top priority. You're worth it and you deserve it...not matter how much it may inconvenience anyone around you.

allhorsestuff said...

HI there RR!
I am here because you commented on my Horse Blog today.
I am very much aware of the dangers of riding in the woods right now. In fact, yesterday, someone was walking a earth colored shirt OOOOU-BAD.
I happened upon her and her three little dogs that packed together and rushed my mare's legs,to my dismay but then, happiness that Wa reacted not. The woman noticed my flashing lights and said something about my bright orange vest. I also did a loud whistle for her.I told her that safety this time of year, is high priority.
I do whistle now when I ride, randomly so Plus when ever I come into a clearing or when the mare seems to notice something with her accute hearing, I don't.
I think because most of the land is Private Property, with the managed forest land on the out skirts, some think that there are no hunters there. I know differently.
So, yea..sometimes lately, I don't go out and always when I do..I also wear bells.
I am ultra, as far as I can be,cautious.

I found my self laughing outloud at the occurance that suddenly is now happening to my Blog as of today, right before your comment. People commenting on other people's comments.HAR!
Now that is funny! I am glad folks can use my little-weido-horse blog to communicate to- each other.

And I am also her RR, because I too, as of all summer,had a sore spot with my sister... and a large pussy-like-head opened up yesterday between us. I too have made some boundaries. But she has reached me form the other side of them, through the MOM-Network. OH! I do love her and appreciate most of all she has allowed me to do and become..she gave me all my tack and horse.
But, somehow, since she had to bring her other horse to me last winter, I am hostage/badguy(at the same time)And she is victim .

So sad, and I am hurting with you, as you too, long for greater understanding and or PEACE! Lets hold out for it okay!
It is so hard to be the person doing the right thing and more forgiving or longsuffering than any one is with you; becasue that is what you desire when you make mistakes.
Thanks for stopping in= and hang in! AHS

Lady Of Chaos said...

Walls are never any fun, but they can be necessary. Unfortunately.

I've built a few and torn a few down, only to rebuild later.

Your posts here always make me think. Even if I don't come by everyday, when I do stop in, there's usually a post that helps me with a 'problem' that I've been contemplating on....

I think I'd miss it very much if your walls got too deep for you and you stopped posting or emailing or anything. I think that would be a very sad day indeed.

I hope you work it out, work it out in a way that's the best for everyone.