It looks like as long as I'm anywhere near my daughter in the horse industry that there's going to be problems. I thought that by distancing myself from her and getting she and my granddaughter started on their own path with horses that would smooth things out between us. However, that hasn't happened. It seems that I am still a target as far as my daughter is concerned.
I recently traded a horse for training with one of my friends. My sweet daughter (pardon my sarcasm) saw fit to tell my friend that he was being brave taking on such an arrangement with me. My friend was greatly taken back by my daughter's lack of respect for me and let her know that he enjoys our working relationship.
I would like to say that I wasn't surprised by my daughter's comment. However, that wouldn't be the truth. It punched me in the gut. It's clear that the walls I've installed to distance myself from her are neither high enough nor thick enough. I'm going to have to put more distance between us. I just cannot take the devastation I feel by such words from my own child. Her lack of loyalty not to mention her pettiness burns me to my soul.
As if that isn't enough, I told my husband about the occurrence. He said he wondered what she meant by that. When I told him I thought she was inferring that I am difficult to deal with instead of supporting me, he added his own two cents worth about me being difficult with him sometimes.
I'm not going to tell you that I am not difficult sometimes with my husband, because I am. But I will tell you my behavior is directly related to him not taking any responsibility for his behavior in this relationship. Sometimes my frustrations at his continued indifference to me does get the better of me. But my relationship with him does not and will not affect my relationship with any of my horse friends.
It's important to me to be fair in everything I do. I wish I could say the same for my daughter and my husband. Sometimes they cannot see fair because they are so caught up in themselves.
I called my husband on his support of my daughter and he did a lot of back peddling. (Something he's known for) He tried to make it sound like I misunderstood his intentions.
I have no idea what he was trying to say. All I heard was yet another betrayal by one of my family. I'm afraid all I can think about is building more walls and adding more distance. At this rate, I will be totally alone again except for my horses.
Sometimes I look at this mess and wonder how I got into it. But then I really know the answer to that. Being the only one who learns how to change and find a healthier way to live really doesn't work with those old relationships even when those relationships are immediate family. Being confronted and called on one's bad behavior looks like attacking to them.
But I am who I am, I cannot swallow those things down nor keep them to myself. Stepping up and calling a spade a spade is what I do best. It's almost instinctual anymore. I'm afraid that they are not appreciative of that side of me as I am not appreciative of their games.
I should have given up on these others changing a long time ago. That hope that they would come around by seeing how much better I am doing now has really been the hook that has kept me caught here with people who are incapable of having healthy relationships. I guess as long as I try to make this work I am just making myself a target.
To walk away from this right now would also mean to walk away from my dream. There is no way I can keep the horses and leave this relationship.So I keep hanging on hoping that somehow things will all work out. I sure hope that I'm not wrong about that. In the meantime I guess I'm going to be building more walls.