Thursday, July 10, 2008

An Old Story

With all the things going on in my life right now, you'd think an old story wouldn't be something on my mind. But sometimes things happen that bring those old stories back up to the surface. Today was one of those days.

I'd like to start off my saying I believe I give people the impression that I am "hard." Hard as in tough as nails and probably unfeeling. Even tough after therapy, I found myself in the position that people could see expressions on my face even if I didn't want them too, they probably weren't seeing the "real feelings" behind those reactions.

I know that I'm easily taken the wrong way. I don't know what to do about it. I think it affects my "approachability." That might be part of why I do not have many friends. I don't know what to do about it but I guess I tend to keep people at a distance so that I don't get my feelings hurt when they've misjudged me. So now to my story.....

Several years ago, I met a woman on the internet. Actually I met her through eBay. She bought a number of auctions from me and before you know it we became friends..........well, I thought we became friends. She sent me a present just out of the blue and it caught me off guard, I guess. I thought I could trust this woman.

We talked on the phone at least once a week.........and the conversations were long. We had a lot in common. She raised horses too.........although a different breed..........and was struggling to live her dream.

After a couple of years, one day out of the blue she invited herself to come stay with me. I rarely even have company at my house for a few minutes, let alone someone staying a week. I'm a very private person and having a house guest leaves me pretty exposed. I didn't really know what to say.........but I let her come.

She had decided to come during the Region 5 Arabian Horse Championships. I tried to warn her ahead of time that was a really busy time for me and I wouldn't have much time. She assured me that it would be fine. She's chip in and help......not to worry.

Just having to pick her up at the airport and take her back to fly out were huge sacrifices for me. I don't take my husband to the airport when he flys out. That facility is really tough for me between my double vision and my fear of places like that.......but I went for her.

I was showing four horses at this show. Let me say up front that showing one is a lot of work.............but four is absolutely crazy. I didn' t have any help. My granddaughter wasn't doing the horse thing then. I was on my own..........and now I had this house guest.

I thought it went ok. Things were really busy and she just kind of did her own thing. I asked her to help me a couple of times because she had told me ahead of time that she wanted to help.

I even took her on a special trip to the casino because she kept insisting she needed to go before she left. (I hardly ever go to the casino, only for my horse club's annual dinner meeting.) And I took her to a private showing of a pretty amazing stallion, even took her picture with him because she begged me to, although I probably could have gotten in trouble for it.

The point is I tried to be a good host even though it was really a bad time for me to have a house guest. It made my championships much more stressful but I went along with it because I thought this woman was my friend. I really put myself out there.

It wasn't until she got home that I realized that something had gone terribly wrong. I still don't know really what it was. All I know is I got this email telling me what a horrible person I was. She said I treated my husband, my child and my horses horribly and I didn't deserve to have someone like her for a friend. She never wanted to see or talk to me again.

To say I was devastated would be a gross understatement. I didn't know what hit me. I kept going over in my mind what had happened and I couldn't figure out what I had done that was so wrong.

A couple of my horse friends couldn't believe this woman either. They had met her during her stay and they thought things were fine too. I was really at a loss.

What this woman did to me was probably the worst rejection I have experienced since therapy. I had let this woman in closer than I normally allow and it had blown up in my face. It pretty much re-enforced I am better off sticking to myself. It's just less painful.

Why am I telling this story now? Well, today I felt the same kind of rejection again................and I just want to disappear.

12 comments:

Kahless said...

Oh MiKael,
I am so sorry for the position you are in. I don't know what to say except I understand how you feel.it sucks. ((((Hugs)))) and I don't think you are hard - I see your vulnerable side, especially lately.

Kahless.

jumpinginpuddles said...

Sure you coem across tough on the blog but anyone whose ever talked to you knows how much wisdom and care you have.
im not sure whats gone on and that worries me but it must mean someone from your family or others has hurt you badly and im at a loss to say anything to ease the pain of rejection or hatred or anything.
Saying we wouldnt do that is stupid right now because you wont believe that anyway, so i gues the only thing we can do is
sit quietly beside you until you feel ok enough (if ever) to raise your head and say hi.

many hugs jip

Enola said...

I read what you wrote and know without a doubt, that it was her, not you. What type of "friend" invites themselves over for a week during your busiest time and then complains about you? Not the type of friend I'd want.

I understand the agony of rejection. Intellectually I also understand that often times it is their own issues causing rejection.

(((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

This made my heart ache for you. I have lost many friends and still wonder. Peace.
Campbell

Kahless said...

Like JIP I will sit beside you though I can't promise to be quiet. You will know I am around but I am patient and here if you need me. I am really worried about you. Rest, but please do not disappear. The world would be poorer for that.

Judy W. said...

Hi, I have read your blog on and off for over a year. I am always taken with the clarity you write with, so able to cleanly express yourself or selves as the case may be.

Today my heart really goes out to you. While you didn’t disclose the source of your pain, the source doesn’t really matter. What matters is you have been blind-sided again.
I can heard the wheels whirling in your head , and I am sooo sorry. It seems as if the unseen forces just wait for the right opportunity to take a shot and try to take you down.

Don’t retreat further inside your self - Mikeal, don’t shut more people out in an effort to try not to get hurt. You have a lot to offer. Your personal quirks are not the issue. The issue is people who take advantage of you. You on the other hand need to learn now to set boundaries when these pushy people show up in your life. For those of us who have had poor parenting it is especially difficult to learn how to draw and maintain healthy boundaries when pushy, needy people come busting into our lives. Saying “no” to these characters while hard at first will liberate you and your whole domineer will soften over time. Don’t give up now….you have come to far.

jalec48 said...

Hi, I have read your blog on and off for over a year. I am always taken with the clarity you write with, so able to cleanly express yourself or selves as the case may be.

Today my heart really goes out to you. While you didn’t disclose the source of your pain, the source doesn’t really matter. What matters is you have been blind-sided again.
I can heard the wheels whirling in your head , and I am sooo sorry. It seems as if the unseen forces just wait for the right opportunity to take a shot and try to take you down.

Don’t retreat further inside your self - Mikeal, don’t shut more people out in an effort to try not to get hurt. You have a lot to offer. Your personal quirks are not the issue. The issue is people who take advantage of you. You on the other hand need to learn now to set boundaries when these pushy people show up in your life. For those of us who have had poor parenting it is especially difficult to learn how to draw and maintain healthy boundaries when pushy, needy people come busting into our lives. Saying “no” to these characters while hard at first will liberate you and your whole domineer will soften over time. Don’t give up now….you have come to far.

Rising Rainbow said...

kahless, thanks for being there. I really appreciate that you are.

jip, you are right, it's wrapped tightly around a family member and rocked me in a place I thought I was safe.

thank you for the picture of you sitting beside me in support. It touched me.

enola, looking back I know that it was this woman's issues but that didn't change how badly I was hurt. That's the part I struggle with. How do I protect myself in a manner that doesn't turn out to be at my own expense in the long run.

The details of the newest incident are different and I'll post about them, but the feeling is the same. I just get knocked down so hard it makes taking another risk really difficult. I don't know what I'm going to do.

campbell, thanks for you words. I think the wondering is hard. And then I think that if they can't like me for me and give me a break once in a while, I don't need them anyway. Wish I could believe those words right now..........

kahless, I wouldn't expect you to be quiet. That's fine with me. Thanks for sitting there....

judy w, you are right about being blind sided and maybe to me that is the worst part. When I know what to expect and get whacked it doesn't bother me....but when it comes from out of the blue I begin to really doubt myself.

You are right, I am retreating. I feel myself drawing back deep inside feeling the need to protect myself. But like I said above, I don't want to do something to protect myself that really hurts me in the long run. I have some serious thinking to do. But in all honesty my first instinct is to run......fast and furiously.

This second situation isn't about boundaries..........or at least not that I can see. I will post about it and the process to find my way through.

And thank you for coming out of your silence to comment. I really appreciate the caring that shows.

Tamara said...

Hi, I just read your post and my heart breaks for you. I don't know you except through reading your blog but I cannot begin to imagine what problem this woman could have had with you. Like you I do not have company in my house, I avoid crowds and busy traffic to whatever extent I can because it is too overwhelming. She surely doesn't understand the extent to which you did things to please her out of your genuine caring for her that were very difficult for you. I will be your friend and I won't ask anything of you than that you be yourself and accept me as myself. Isn't that the way it is supposed to work.

I hurt for you that this is happening again. Please be gentle with yourself. You don't deserve this pain.

Hugs,
Tamara

Lily Strange said...

People often think I'm either hard or snobby. The truth is I'm shy and sensitive and I've become a bit of a curmudgeon to protect myself. I never perceived you as being hard, in fact.

JKB said...

Hey, keep chugging. You have people that care about you...I'm sending you hugs from Germany.

Austin of Sundrip said...

I think I would have been just as baffled and I think I would have felt confused and shame, guilt and feeling like "here we go again" I would have been majorly devastated as you were. All I can do is shake my head. She forces herself in your home, takes advantage of your hospitality then kicks you in the teeth with no real explanation. WOW!!! That is cold. She said you didn't deserve what you have but I say you didn't deserve such a cut throat "good bye" with shame for a signature.

These kinds of things always make me feel like there is something inherently bad about me that drives people away.
((Hugs))