With all the things going on in my life right now, you'd think an old story wouldn't be something on my mind. But sometimes things happen that bring those old stories back up to the surface. Today was one of those days.
I'd like to start off my saying I believe I give people the impression that I am "hard." Hard as in tough as nails and probably unfeeling. Even tough after therapy, I found myself in the position that people could see expressions on my face even if I didn't want them too, they probably weren't seeing the "real feelings" behind those reactions.
I know that I'm easily taken the wrong way. I don't know what to do about it. I think it affects my "approachability." That might be part of why I do not have many friends. I don't know what to do about it but I guess I tend to keep people at a distance so that I don't get my feelings hurt when they've misjudged me. So now to my story.....
Several years ago, I met a woman on the internet. Actually I met her through eBay. She bought a number of auctions from me and before you know it we became friends..........well, I thought we became friends. She sent me a present just out of the blue and it caught me off guard, I guess. I thought I could trust this woman.
We talked on the phone at least once a week.........and the conversations were long. We had a lot in common. She raised horses too.........although a different breed..........and was struggling to live her dream.
After a couple of years, one day out of the blue she invited herself to come stay with me. I rarely even have company at my house for a few minutes, let alone someone staying a week. I'm a very private person and having a house guest leaves me pretty exposed. I didn't really know what to say.........but I let her come.
She had decided to come during the Region 5 Arabian Horse Championships. I tried to warn her ahead of time that was a really busy time for me and I wouldn't have much time. She assured me that it would be fine. She's chip in and help......not to worry.
Just having to pick her up at the airport and take her back to fly out were huge sacrifices for me. I don't take my husband to the airport when he flys out. That facility is really tough for me between my double vision and my fear of places like that.......but I went for her.
I was showing four horses at this show. Let me say up front that showing one is a lot of work.............but four is absolutely crazy. I didn' t have any help. My granddaughter wasn't doing the horse thing then. I was on my own..........and now I had this house guest.
I thought it went ok. Things were really busy and she just kind of did her own thing. I asked her to help me a couple of times because she had told me ahead of time that she wanted to help.
I even took her on a special trip to the casino because she kept insisting she needed to go before she left. (I hardly ever go to the casino, only for my horse club's annual dinner meeting.) And I took her to a private showing of a pretty amazing stallion, even took her picture with him because she begged me to, although I probably could have gotten in trouble for it.
The point is I tried to be a good host even though it was really a bad time for me to have a house guest. It made my championships much more stressful but I went along with it because I thought this woman was my friend. I really put myself out there.
It wasn't until she got home that I realized that something had gone terribly wrong. I still don't know really what it was. All I know is I got this email telling me what a horrible person I was. She said I treated my husband, my child and my horses horribly and I didn't deserve to have someone like her for a friend. She never wanted to see or talk to me again.
To say I was devastated would be a gross understatement. I didn't know what hit me. I kept going over in my mind what had happened and I couldn't figure out what I had done that was so wrong.
A couple of my horse friends couldn't believe this woman either. They had met her during her stay and they thought things were fine too. I was really at a loss.
What this woman did to me was probably the worst rejection I have experienced since therapy. I had let this woman in closer than I normally allow and it had blown up in my face. It pretty much re-enforced I am better off sticking to myself. It's just less painful.
Why am I telling this story now? Well, today I felt the same kind of rejection again................and I just want to disappear.