Jumpinginpuddles posted A dawning of sadness and loss about the realization she is coming to regarding her family history. JIP asked i wonder if people like us ever feel like we belong anywhere or do we always feel so strangely different to the rest of the world?
It's a complicated question. The feelings that generate such a question are symptoms of our abuse. The fact that we, victims, don't have good childhood memories like other people can cause many to feel different.
The problem with the belief in that difference is it breeds isolation. The underlying message is that we don't and won't fit in, no matter what we do. Yet, nothing could be farther from the truth.
Sure we're not going to ever say we had a great childhood, but we can be sure that our children do. We can't change what happened to us in the past but we can influence our future. There are lots of aspects of our lives that we can build on that can be healthy and normal if we want them to.
Just like JIP in her question, Clueless said in the comments
I often wonder if anyone will truly know what it is like to be me and to know my pain. Well, the answer is of course not, no one will ever really know. But, it helps me around here that people have similar experiences, struggles and feelings...Yet, sometimes I feel like that little girl hiding in the closet, rocking and silently crying just to make the bad things go away.
I want to address this statement, "the answer is of course not, no one will ever really know." This is how Clueless relates to JIP's question, I believe. It is the obvious assumption of a victim...."No one feels my pain." It is part of the trap that sets us up and keeps us caught in it's clutches. It's an old message from our victimization still roaming around in our head and keeping us trapped.
Neither Clueless or JIP want to be caught in that trap. They have no idea that this belief is part of it. Yet telling ourselves that no one has it as bad as we do, or no one will ever understand because they didn't go through it, or any other of those messages are just more old programming messages. They keep us isolated and ensure that we will be unable to heal.
While the details for each and every one of us may be different, our feelings are all the same. I may not feel your feelings and you may be unable to feel mine but we are capable of feeling the exact same feelings.
For example, I have been there with the little girl hiding in the closet, rocking and silently crying that clueless writes about. Or the child in the back seat of a travelling car, her head was down and she was rocking and trying to not cry out loud, she too was in obvious pain and was struggling to not yell out loud. Her dress was stained blood red and after a while she let out a yell and her mother slapped her for being a baby that JIP has within her system.I know both of these children inside of me. It doesn't matter that the details are different. These pictures tell me about the feelings and they are mine too.
I have heard that deep almost gutteral crying that Truddi Chase of When Rabbit Howls speaks about in her book. She describes it as the sound her smallest most damaged personality makes. I recognized it immediately when I first read it in her book. I have recognized it immediately when I have heard it from another. I know that pain intimately. It lives inside of me.
I can totally relate to what kind of injury/abuse it takes to generate such pain. I would never presume to say that Truddi Chase's Rabbit, clueless's child or that of JIP didn't or don't feel as badly as I. It is the same pain caused by different circumstances. It is a bond between all of us. Whether I never met any of these woman or not, I recongize the inexplicable connection between us. It gives me comfort to know that I am not alone.
I know too there are others out there just as frightened and hurt struggling to figure out a way for some relief. It is that very connection that tells me I belong. Not just to some sorority of damaged victims but to a group of brave individuals who are fighting the odds to get free.
To be continued............