Sunday, May 25, 2008


Recently Patches did a post about being afraid of Spirituality and it got me to thinking. Spirituality is one of those words like "God" that really turns some people off. Being a survivor of Satanic Ritualistic Abuse like me it makes sense that I would have that fear.

Having been tortured, abused and indoctrinated in the name of lots of faces of the spiritual realm, it's pretty darn easy to see why I might have a problem with God. Not just God the almighty, but god the word can push my buttons equally as viciously.

I can relive brain washing sessions at the drop of a hat with full technicolor playing in my head complete with all the body memories rolled up into one horrendous package. The parts in my head can scatter in more directions than any mathematician can imagine as they try to not bounce off the triggers flying because I've been set up for a cascading effect that was engineered to end in my destruction.

Luckily I've come to a place that I can put a lid on this stuff and send it back to the hell it belongs in protecting the affected littles from having to experience the torture yet again and the triggering of self destruct messages.

I know through all parts of my being that that "stuff" is not of God, nor is it of me. I don't deserve it and I don't have to experience it anymore. I know that being afraid of God and spirituality is exactly what those messages are all about. They are designed to keep me trapped.

I refuse to buy into that old crap even though many parts of me still can bristle at words like "God" and "spirituality." I no longer have to be caught by the lies that caused that uncomfortableness in me. I can pursue peace and know that I deserve it.

Now, I have parts that can do "God" just fine. They can even tell you about God and how spirituality has affected this protection in me. None go to church, nor do any feel the need but ALL want to be what we understand spirituality entails.

That's because we've come to our own understanding of what spirituality really is. Despite definitions of spirituality on the web that include references to religions or church, we have come to an acceptance that spirituality for us includes a person’s sense of peace, purpose, connection to others and beliefs.

For us that means many things. We strive to be honest. We don't want to do hurtful things to anyone. We live by the golden rule. We want to be fair even to those who don't deserve it. We think that getting even is a waste of time. We believe that we need to honor all living things. The list goes on and on. What is important is that we live in a way that is consistent with what is in our heart. That's what we think true spirituality is about.


April_optimist said...

What is it that so many abusers invoke god to justify what they do to us? Or to justify demanding our silence and our compliance? I spent a long time not wanting anything to do with god or religion. It's only in the last few years that I've managed to reclaim my spirituality.

keepers said...

What is important is that we live in a way that is consistent with what is in our heart. Amen

we agree completely


jumpinginpuddles said...

we are slowly reversing our thinking for us part of healing is letting the god we choose to accept as light coem adn heal the palces we cant

Hummingbird said...

We know, finally, that kindness gentleness, patience and compassion is where Spirit Lives. That fear doesnt have a place there.

For me and all the aspects of my Self, when there is fear involved I need to stop, feel, and think. ( I am dont do this automatically, I am still learning....) In that moment of a Fear being triggered, I need to weigh out if fear is generated from outside or fear comes from within. My own fear has to do with my experiences from the past that have contributed to shaping the now. So I am triggered into believing that what was then is also here and now. I suspect that most of of feel that way....

Is this MY fear right now, based on something that is tangible and something I can tackle or is this the bullshit fear that is placed on me and which is designed to control me, some ghost from the past which will limit my ability to be here NOW?

God, the Goddess, The Alpha and Omega Creator, and all that IS,in my understanding doesnt make fear.

Once I understand the difference between something triggering my past responses which result in fear, versus a fear or anxiety that is based on the here and now garbage, I can make a choice and I move into Faith.... and then deal with things. I try.

None of these things I speak about relate to religion in my mind. I cant go there.... Not at present, or ever, and that's ok.

I have a strong Faith, at long last, in the belief that Life is not Random and that I have a loving Creator. I feel deeply that my Soul's voice is as near to God as anything, and it/they know what's right. That they listen to one another and echo one another. Fear has no place there. Truth and connection to Spirit is so much bigger, ultimately, so that I can discern the difference most of the time. But it takes a while to get there. Sometimes a long while.

P.s, thanks for visiting and thanks for the congrats. It is strange to think of the generations and being connected to that continuum... but also very beautiful. :)

Cheesemeister said...

I prefer the word "creator" to God. I don't bristle for the same reasons you do, just because I got all those "fire and brimstone" teachings stuffed down my throat and I can't stomach that stuff!

"DJ" said...

Understanding God and spirituality has been a dilemma throughout the ages. The notion of God has always invoked "fear". That's why we were provided with a teacher, savior, eternal hope, in the god/man Jesus Christ, who came as a non-threatening baby. It's explained at this link

Blessing to all!